Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

I’ve moved!

June 19, 2012 Leave a comment

Hey all, I’m in the middle of a triumphant comeback, so if you want to read more of my amazing wisdom, head on over to

Nothing new will get posted here in the future.

Shut up.

Categories: Uncategorized

I’m pretty sure Leo Laporte is actually Newt Gingrich.

February 3, 2012 Leave a comment

Categories: Uncategorized

The 99% should occupy my wrinkled butt.

October 17, 2011 6 comments

I’m late to complain about this whole “Occupy Wall Street” nonsense, but shut up, I’ve been busy. And I’ve got better things to do, most days, than to tear down ineffectual idiot hippies.

But my GOD, they make it hard to ignore them.

This past weekend in Toronto, thousands of chuckleheads gathered in a park in the general area of Toronto’s financial district, to protest economic inequality fostered by the banks.

Yes, these “peace is the best way” dumbniks think that the best way to foster radical, large-scale change is to stand politely in a park not where the people they want to change will see, on a Saturday, when the goddamn banks are closed.

Crap like this makes me wonder if this Occupy nonsense is some kind of astroturfing campaign put on by the banks to shut people up, like those “anti-tobacco” companies started by cigarette companies. Seriously, if you were to try to hold the least effective protest possible, this it what you’d do.

“Let’s show the banking industry that we’re not going to take their greed anymore by getting right in their face!”

“Awesome! You want to go down to their offices right now, and lock ourselves to the doors?”

“No, that’s crazy.”

“Want to boycot their services, and deprive them of their operating capital, thereby causing them some actual discomfort?”

“What? Fuck no. We’re going to sit in a park 500 meters from their offices.”


“And we’re going to do it when they’re closed, and probably not even in the right city! They won’t know what fucking hit them!”

To be clear, I’m not for people being mistreated. I’m quite the opposite of that. But all you Occupy idiots are just so crapdamn incompetent, it’s dropping my IQ. If you were asked to find your way out of a paper bag, you’d decide to sit and wait for it to completely degrade because that would be easiest and most efficient, even though it would take you months and none of you bothered to notice that the paper bag is completely open, and you could walk out.

If you want to effect change in an entrenched system, you don’t just sit quietly in a corner waiting for the other person to change. That’s abuse-victim talk, and while you do view yourself as victims of a heartless system, how many abusers have decided to completely change themselves just because his/her victim sat quietly, taking it with tear-soaked cheeks? No, if you want to change the system, you have to make the current mode of operation uncomfortable. You do this by depriving them of the profits they thrive on, or by showing them that the better way can offer them more profits. While the music industry still occasionally acts like dickwads regarding piracy, once they finally, eventually realized they could make a bunch of money selling music digitally, they changed their practices and now you can’t swing my unimpressive dick around without hitting a music download/sale/streaming service.

If you want the banks to notice you, and to change, don’t just tell them they’re making more money than you. They know that, you goddamn reprobates, they’re the bank; they know how much money you have, and they know how much money they have. I’d say that the only thing I hate more than a hippie is a misinformed, incompetent hippie, but that describes the entire goddamn group. For example:

This dufus is wasting thousands of dollars and years of her life on training she already knows is useless, and that’s somehow the bank’s fault? How about blaming her parents for raising such an r-tard?

This whole “We are the 99%” business is crapping idiotic. This is from the we are the 99% tumblr account:

We are getting nothing while the other 1 percent is getting everything. We are the 99 percent.

The dufus above also claims that only the top 1% can afford to pay for their higher education. Never mind that her premise is flawed — is the world only fair if every single family has an extra $60,000 just lying around? — she will be able to pay for her own education, but poor muffin, she’ll be the one to foot the bill, not her parents. What a goddamn tragedy, having to earn your way through the world while other people can ride on the success of previous generation. I want to be Paris Hilton!

This 99% business is factually inaccurate. 99% of the people are poor, and 1% aren’t? Jesus H Christ, you hippie shits, you’ll have more credibility if you have facts, and not just a happy slogan, to throw at people. This is an income distribution chart for the US, via Wikipedia:

If you look closely, you’ll notice that only about, oh, 45% of the population of the US is at or above $50K a year. The median salary for the US, according to recent census data, is $50,233. Now, sure, that sucks when you don’t have health care provided for free (suck on that, Yanks!) but that isn’t exactly poor. And a full 26.75% of the population makes 75K a year!

But what about the top 1%? I saw different figures for that, but it seems safe to say that it’s at least 300K a year, possibly 400K.

Are these hippie shits seriously saying that any amount of money below 300K is unliveably low? More than that, they’re literally saying they think that earning $299,999 a year is nothing. Are you goddamn shitting me? Look, you commune-eating bastards, if money is so important to you, why did you make yourself a hippie instead of, say, someone with a goddamn brain?

Shut up.

About Steve Jobs [Video]

October 6, 2011 5 comments


It’s like watching two tech reporters having a conversation.

August 29, 2011 4 comments


Categories: Uncategorized Tags: , ,

Don’t tell me how many nipples I need, Gizmodo!

August 29, 2011 Leave a comment

Maybe I want three, you bastards! Did you ever think about that?

Categories: Uncategorized


August 25, 2011 2 comments

I just noticed #withoutstevejobs on Twitter. People are paying tribute to the impact Steve’s had on the world, which is obviously really nice, but, really, some of these people are attributing more to him than he’s done. I didn’t link to their names, because these people annoy me:

My computer would be just another beige box

Possible, but it’s not like Steve’s the only human being in the world that wants things that look nice.

we’d all be too familiar with CLT + ALT + DEL.

We still are, anyway. That’s just nonsensical.

I would still be using my Motorola Razr

Really? You’d be using a five-year old phone?

we wouldn’t be able to buy music online.

Apple didn’t invent the idea of buying music online. Christ. They did a good enough job with it that it became quite popularized, but they didn’t create it whole cloth.

I would have to jog with a discman.

Apple did not invent the MP3 player. Jebus.

the world wouldn’t be as connected as its today.

ararrggghhgh Apple did not invent the internet, mobile computing, nor smartphones.

I would be lost. Literally. Thank god for navigation apps!

Portable GPS devices have been around for years. People bought them before Apple made the iPhone!

I would not have my entire CD collection on my hip when I run.

Oh my Christ, you people have no sense of history. JEBUS.

Macbooks would have started out being pink instead of white…and I would have cried.

This one’s just — really? Without Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple, the Macbooks that would never have been invented because Apple wouldn’t have existed, would have been pink? Sweet LORD, lady, do you miss the bed at night?

UPDATE: Remember when I said I wasn’t going to name names? I just saw a Tweet that makes me a liar. It’s by @kristofcreative, whose bio says: “President of Kristof Creative. We create intelligent ideas and profitable marketing strategies for our clients.” His Tweet was:

There’d be no Mouse #Withoutsteve

Are you shitting me? You claim to offer intelligent ideas and you think that without Apple, there’d be no Mouse? Do you think that they invented the mouse? Are you goddamn shitting me? Doesn’t anybody have a sense of history? Jesus sweet Hell, Apple didn’t invent the mouse; it was created at Stanford in 1963 by Douglas Engelbart, and the trackball was invented by the Canadian military in 1952. The work that Engelbart did was extraordinary; you can find videos of demos he did online at Youtube, where he demos a mouse with multiple buttons, and has it navigating a text document in ways that the web still hasn’t reached.

Shut up.

Categories: Uncategorized Tags:

I know what Apple’s new product line will be.

August 22, 2011 1 comment

There’s a rumor that there’s going to be a brand-new Mac line soon.

My money — by which I mean I’ve used the things for months, so yeah, sure, I’ll be on it — is on a multitouch enabled iMac-ish device with a swivel screen, that slides down to go over your keyboard when you want to interact directly, then goes to its normal position when you need to type. You’ve seen rollup desks, right? The cool wood sheet that covers the desk area? It’ll be like that, but with a touch screen you want to have sex with. (You *can* have sex with it, but there’s minimal app support at the moment)

This new iMac-ish line will represent the next step in the iOS-ification of the Mac, AND the impending closing of the platform.

Just to keep you all from getting your panties in a twist, when I say “closing,” I mean that Apple’s going to lock the Mac down to only allow Mac App Store downloads. Because it’s what people are used to with the iOS devices, and also it’s more secure, and Apple will make even more money. This will either come in the next version of the OS, or a point release. If point release, it’ll be first quarter 2012. Believe that shit, you bastards!

Anyway, the swivel Mac: Apple’s goddamn comfortable having monitors that move around freely, and this is like an evolution of that idea, but with sexy multitouch. This just makes sense, in the same way it made sense for me to pour honey all over myself when I was waiting for the light to change, despite what those goddamn prudish cops had to say about it.

Shut up.

Concrete evidence I’m right about the Apple feature phone

August 19, 2011 3 comments

Apple is about to sell a feature phone

August 18, 2011 3 comments

Forget the iCloud Phone, and all that other crap; I’ve got the goods on Apple’s next move. I have it from a trusted source* that, contrary to really idiotic reports that Apple’s working on a “cheap” phone that will simply cost less upfront, with no change in the monthly costs, Apple will be unveiling what can only be referred to as a feature phone.

What, exactly, will it be?

This new iPhone — which I’ll refer to as the iPhone Nano, for sake of convenience — won’t simply be a smaller or less memory-laden version of an existing iPhone, because that would be idiotic and wouldn’t meet the goals of “cheaper.” No. No! It will be something completely different. It will be a whole new product, for a whole new market.

The iPhone Nano will be physically smaller, in line with the Candybar iPod Nano. It will have a less powerful processor than the iPhone 4, and probably even than the 3GS, but that’s okay, because it won’t run custom apps. It will be Apple’s response to a feature phone. Remember when the iPhone 1 came out, and it was just the core apps? Remember how my close, personal friend Steve Jobs called making phone calls the killer app? It’s exactly that. It’s the iPhone 1 without a web browser.

The thing is, the majority of humanity that uses a phone only wants to make phone calls with it and send texts. That’s is. The iPhone Nano will offer that functionality, plus the ability to listen to music, and pretty much nothing else.

Why, exactly, will it be?

You’re probably wondering why Apple would release an iPhone with a hobbled version of iOS. You’re probably wondering this because you like all of the features Apple’s added over the years, and you wonder why anyone would buy an iPhone without apps and internet access. You’re definitely wondering this because you’ve got you’re head up your butt, and are the wrong market. There are two excellent reasons why this phone will happen:

First, there’s the price. The thing is, when the tech pundits talk about Apple making a cheap phone, they keep confusing what “cheap” means, or what it should mean. Pundits — and lots of folks in the first world, folks who can afford smartphones — keep saying that an iPhone at $49 or $0 would sweep the market and lay to waste all those who would DARE to stand against it, but that argument is stupid, for several reasons.

One: The 3GS is already $49. And when the next iPhone gets announced, the iPhone 4 will probably be sold at $49 while the 3GS won’t be sold at all.

Two: The upfront cost is the smallest chunk of change involved in buying a smartphone. The major cost for a smartphone is the monthly service plan, and when people talk about making a phone cheaper, they need to start thinking about that. Now, presumably Apple wouldn’t be able to convince every carrier in the world to offer data plans at a 90% discount — if they did manage that somewhat miraculous goddamn feat, everyone would want it for every phone everywhere, which would negate the need for a special iPhone with a cheaper data plan. No, the way to go here is to take the data plan out of the equation.

The thing is, it doesn’t matter how much you knock down the initial purchase price of a smartphone if, say, your income is only a couple grand a month, or, say, $100 if you’re in the third world. You need to make it a device that anyone can use without an expensive plan. Apple needs to make the phone cheap to buy unsubsidized, and they need to make it cheap to operate.

Second, there’s the marketshare. The market for smartphone users continues to grow, and even though Android is currently eclipsing Apple in terms of sales, Apple’s doing pretty well, and selling their iPhones hand-over-goddamn-fist. Despite that, the market for smartphones is only so big, and beyond that is the much, much larger market of cell phone users who either aren’t interested in or able to buy a smartphone.

We head-up-our-assers tend to forget it, but those users are the norm.

The majority of the phone using market doesn’t use smartphones, and the majority of featurephones are pretty old-school, in terms of styling. How wonderful would it be if Apple, the only company to design beautiful products, made a stylish, beautiful featurephone?


Not only would it be something magical for people who could afford a smartphone but don’t want to, it would also be wonderful for the majority of the market that simply can’t afford one.

To put it another way: Apple’s already destroyed Nokia’s smartphone market, it’s time for them to destroy Nokia’s dumbphone market.

In case you think this is a silly notion, consider Tim Cook’s recent statement on an earnings call that Apple doesn’t want the iPhone just to be for rich people. They’re going to make them palatable for poor people, which is, in some ways, where the money is.

In case you think the idea of Apple making a version of the operating system which would, essentially, only look like iOS, but wouldn’t offer much of the core functionality, consider the current iPod Nano: it features a simple operating system that looks like iOS, offering a consistency of user experience, without the overhead, or need to support all those features. Apple’s already doing what I say they will do to their new phone. It’s just a matter of time — probably a couple months — before they do this.

The iPhone Nano is coming. It will be a massive success, despite the fact that for the first time, Apple will be exclusively targeting a product at the unwashed masses. You won’t like it, or need one (but you’ll buy several, because you’re like that), but Apple won’t care, because they’re selling it to someone else.

Shut up.


*The trusted source is me, okay? Yes, this is just speculation, but my track record of Apple speculation is pretty good: I called the iPhone OS name change, and my prediction about Apple turning its Macs into glorified iOS devices is moving right on track.

Also, I know that this was speculated about over at AllThingsD a while ago, but I was unaware of this until just now, so that makes it my idea, goddamn it.


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