John Gruber and the N9

So Gruber called Nokia’s new N9 phone a worthy rival to the iPhone. Then took a shot at the fact that it’s based off of Meego, not Windows Phone 7, because, hey, why not take a shot like that? I mean, it’s not like this phone was already goddamn built, and them not releasing it would mean a massive waste of money, which would be goddamn idiotic. Gruber’s implication — and I know I’ll get all his cheerleaders yelling at me for daring to know what he was implying, because nobody can possibly know that, even though they claim to — seems to be that the Microsoft/Windows Phone 7 deal was a bad idea, even though we’ve yet to see the fruits of that deal.

Now, time may prove that correct, I don’t know. What I do know is that right now, Gruber thinks the phone looks pretty sweet, and if you watch the promotional video, I think you’ll see why: they’ve done their best to make an Apple product video, right down to a nearly-bald designer talking about how wonderful a designed product is. In this case, Nokia SVP of Design Marko Ahtisaari says:

Every once in a while, a product comes along that changes our perception of how we use technology, and how natural it can feel.

Compare this to, say, Jony Ive’s description of the iPhone 4:

iPhone 4 is so much more than just another new product. I mean, this will have a lasting impact on the way that we actually connect with each other.

And his description of the iPad:

You know, it’s true, when something exceeds your ability to understand how it works, it sort of becomes magical. And that’s exactly what the iPad is.

So, apparently, all you need to do to get Gruber to say something looks great is to make their promotional materials seem like Apple materials. Protip: If you’re ever around Gruber when a bell goes off, mind the drool.

Shut up.

Ed Bott smacks John Gruber in his curly face.

After Gruber dismissed Ed Bott’s warning about Mac Malware as being “Crying Wolf,” Bott responds with a potential nuclear bomb: he’s got an interview with an AppleCare call center employee, who reports that Mac malware infections are going through the goddamn roof, and lets slip with an astonishing bombshell: if AppleCare employees help customers remove malware from their compromised systems, they could be fired.

I assume Gruber won’t respond for a few days, as he’ll need some time to learn how to be a journalist.

BREAKING: Gruber misses the point.

Gruber put up a post titled “Wolf!” the other day, wherein he quoted a bunch of folks, from 2004 onward, stating that Apple’s era of relative freedom from security threats would soon be over. The implication moptop’s going for is that people have been gleefully calling for the end of the Mac’s freedom for years, and been wrong, so they will continue to be wrong forever.

First, if you’ve read any of Gruber’s posting, him poking fun at someone else trying to rub a person’s nose in anything is ironic in the extreme; Daring Fireball is nothing if not an exercise in the cult member angrily trumpeting his superiority at having picked the one true faith. It’s an angry blog.

Second, Gruber’s wrong. Shockingly. SHOCKINGLY. Yes, the threat of Malware on Mac has been one that hasn’t, to date, materialized in a large way. But so what? The quotes he provides from these articles aren’t wrong; people ARE making more attempts to crack into the Mac as it gains popularity, and Malware IS becoming more of a threat for the thing. And Mac users DO act all superior about the fact that they don’t have to worry about viruses and other threats. And his own predictions about not just the continued marketshare increase for the Mac, but the continued decrease of marketshare and prominence of Windows means that now, more than ever, people will be using these mobile devices, and it’s not like these malware producers, whose livelihood is based on building malware for either themselves, or organized crime, are going to change their profession because iOS has such a wonderful polish to it.

The Mac isn’t some perfectly secure thing. Nor is Safari. Mac is easily hackable, and every year at the PwnToOwn contest, where hackers crack into browsers for money, Safari — used quite a lot on the Mac — is always the first to fall. And Safari’s on iOS. And is crackable. And Apple has sold 100 million of the devices. And hackers go where the money is. And Mac users are sold security as a benefit of the platform, meaning they’re less on the lookout for threats than PC users are.

Here’s the thing: Gruber is saying that these folks have been calling for the end of Mac safety for years and are wrong because they’ve been wrong so far. This is a logical fallacy, as past performance isn’t a guarantee of future performance, but what kind of Mac devotee — which is what Gruber is — can’t appreciate the value of being forward thinking? Gruber, like so many others, spent YEARS in the wilderness saying “The Mac is superior and one day, ONE DAY YOU WILL ALL SEE.” He’s spent a sizeable chunk of his life spreading that message, and is now able to say “SEE, I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG, YOU PC-LOVING TWATS!” How, exactly, is that different from security experts saying “The Mac is insecure and one day, ONE DAY YOU WILL ALL SEE?”

Is Gruber too drunk on imagined power to see his own inconsistencies?

Shut up.

VIDEO: Gruber misses the point. Again.

Oh my god John Gruber oh my God.

I never would’ve thought of a joke this clever. What a genius.

Alice for the iPad makes me angry.

Gruber linked to a promo video for a new app called “Alice,” which is a “book” in some bizarro world populated entirely by Gruber and his ego. His entirely-too-rambly summary of the video is this:

How does the Kindle compete with this?

And the video is here:

This makes me actively angry. I considered punching my monitor, but then my spares would be down to five. And I’m sobering up, and if I cut myself I’d have to stop drinking before going to the ER (those assholes check your breath).

What’s the point of this app? To show you that it has an accelerometer? We already knew that. Is it to show us that bobbleheads exist? Again, we already knew. There are words on the page but it isn’t a book. It’s infuriating, and not just because flashing things scare me. It’s infuriating because it’s a pretty hack job, and it’s infuriating because overblown schmucks like Gruber think that just because it’s on the revolutionary iPad, that means that the app is revolutionary. Or that this in some way relates to the repair of the newspaper and magazine industries that the iPad supposedly is going to deliver, even though it won’t.

To answer your question, Gruber, about how the Kindle competes with this? The Kindle has books on it. This app isn’t a book; it’s an insult to books to compare the two things. This is a child’s messy doodle wrapped up in binary.

I’ve got an idea for you, Gruber: I’ll write an app for the iPad that has a picture of a rocket ship on it. When you shake the iPad, the sky behind the rocket will move, as though the rocket is flying. Then you can ask Boeing how it can possibly respond to such innovation.

Jackass.

Gruber’s new look!

I hear that Gruber’s wearing this backpack every day, to show his love of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s a brave choice, Gruber, considering how much of a tool the model looks wearing it, but as long as you’ve got the headband on, you have my respect.

I’m not sure if “respect” is the right word. Hmm.

(In case you’re wondering why he wears this backpack, I hear it’s because he thinks it makes him look like a superhero. Apparently he thinks all those pithy hit-and-run comments he makes on his blog make him some kind of crapdamn hero, or something.)

I’m going to comment John Gruber so hard…

This makes me happy in ways that are difficult for my 127-year old brain to articulate: Daring Fireball, now with comments, courtesy of MacHeist.

http://daringfireballwithcomments.net

This is fantastic, right here.

Talking to Steve Jobs

Gruber’s posted this photo of me talking to my close, personal friend Steve Jobs after the amazing keynote in which he unveiled, finally, the iPad to the whole of the world.

First of all, holy crap, that lighting makes me look like a sad, shriveled old man. Gross.

Second, Gruber is a filthy scum liar for saying I hadn’t ever seen the device before; I’ve had prototypes of the things for years, as you can see in my goddamn review of the device.

Third, Steve wasn’t upset that I was sitting on his table, because he knows that I’m an old man, and I need to sit frequently. Did you notice any crapdamn chairs, Gruber?

Shut up.