Home > Google, Idiots > My Exclusive Interview With Rupert Murdoch

My Exclusive Interview With Rupert Murdoch

Rupert Murdoch’s been in the news a lot lately, what with his insane plan to remove his sites — including my beloved Wall Street Journal — from Google’s indexes. As a result of his posturing and the threat of Steve Ballmer paying Murdoch and others with huge pockets to have their content indexed exclusively on Bing, Google’s modified how they handle news results in the most idiotically minor way imaginable.

Anyway, before Google made their move to placate an old man whose answer to the question “How do you spell adventure?” is “apple sauce,” I got a chance to sit down with Rupert to talk about this whole fiasco. Now, there was video for this, but after we were done the interview, Rupert realized people would’ve been able to link to it, and then he told me he’d shut down the Wall Street Journal and unplug the internet if I posted it.

So here’s the transcript of our landmark conversation:

Mossberg: Thank you for talking to me today, Rupert Murdoch, I’m sure you’re honored.

Murdoch: Oooh, boy, it’s great to be here!

Mossberg: You’ve been catching a lot of flack lately for threatening to pull your content out of Google, so that nobody gets a free ride anymore. Why do you think that charging for everything will bring in more money, rather than driving people away because you’re a stingy old bastard who doesn’t understand how the world works anymore?

Murdoch: When I was a prospector in aught-eight, I wouldn’t let anyone get near my gold. It’s mine, not yours. Stay away! Why should I let them get my gold now, just because it’s on the internet? Stay away from my gold!

Mossberg: Do you actually think that’s the same thing?

Murdoch: Get back, you aboriginies! And get off my lawn!

Mossberg: You said Google is stealing your content. Do you understand how the internet works?

Murdoch: Sure I do, I’m Rupert Murdoch. The thing you need to remember is that search people aren’t regular customers, they’re just search people, coming in from their day of taking news out of my pockets for a free lunch! They’re idjits, and I’ll have nothing do with them. Also, they need to get off my lawn!

Mossberg: Google’s a directory of the internet, it’s how people actually find what they want to read and to pay for, like a certain family of newspapers I could mention. How the hell do you expect to get people to find your content if they can’t search for it, you doddering cliche?

Murdoch: It’s all there when you turn on your computer.

Mossberg: But how will it get there?

Murdoch: The people will look for our great news resources and they’ll find ’em, as long as they keep of my lawn!

Mossberg: But how will they find ’em if you take ’em all out of Google?

Murdoch: It’s just there when you turn on your computer. Come on, you’re stuck in the color Tuesday. Get the with the program!

Mossberg: Isn’t this all just a large-scale attempt to shove your cock in Google’s face, to get them to open wide and pay you money?

Murdoch: The people who work for me deserve to get paid for their work, and if I don’t make an obscene amount of profit every year, I’ll have to fire them all just to cheer myself up! And if I have to do that, it’ll be your fault, internets!

Mossberg: My god, you actually believe all this crap, don’t you?

Murdoch: Like an ant’s butthole filled with creamed potato pie!

Mossberg: Sweet Enola Gay, this is worse than I thought. If you throw a pay wall up around everything, that’s going to affect ME, because I actually understand the goddamn internet, and I know that if you can’t search for something, you can’t find it, and if you can’t find it, you can’t give it money.

Murdoch: Well that’s my money, carrot face, you give it back to me, or I’ll leave you in the desert. And stay off my lawn!

Mossberg: You listen to me, you insane asshole, you need to stop your plans to pull out of Google this instant before you do damage to yourself and to ME. Do you hear me? This is the most idiotic scheme I’ve ever heard of, and when I say that, let me remind you that I’ve had conversations with Michael Arrington, David Pogue, and Steve Ballmer! You’re going to bankrupt your company, and even if you don’t, everybody’s going to go out of their way to screw YOU because of how big of a dick you’re being right now.

Murdoch: History judges the saturdays, hippie, and my Saturday says there’s gold in them hills, and I’m going to get it. The wall I’m going to make around Newscorp is going to be expensive, but it’ll be real strong, made with concrete and aspartame, with the labor of a hundred thousand chinamen, protected by the ghosts of nearly half of them. No content’s going to get in or out.

Mossberg: Rupert Murdoch, I have to go now, to vomit up the stupid you’ve been shoving down my throat this whole time. This interview is over.

Murdoch: Get off my lawn, internets!

Mossberg: You are an absolute disaster, and I hate you.

This has been Walt Mossberg; shut up.
  1. The Glenn Beck Review
    June 19, 2010 at 7:18 am

    You may enjoy my current post about Rupert Murdoch. When I found the information, it was eye opening. You think you hate him now….

  1. December 6, 2009 at 8:25 pm

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