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The xPhone: Why it’s all over for Apple

Has anybody else seen this? Some German company is making a new SmartPhone called the xPhone. Now I’m not one to get all hyperbolic, or anything, but this is big. This is ridiculously big, and I feel like I’ve just had my head dipped in a barrel of lit gasoline. This isn’t just an iPhone-killer, it’s an iPhone-slaughterer.

If you don’t think Apple’s in big trouble after you watch this video, you’re just being stupid.

We all think the iPhone is great; I sure do, I love mine, which was personally signed by Steve Jobs. It does a lot of great things, but next to the xPhone, it’s looks like a goddamn tinkertoy. In case you didn’t notice them in the absolutely stunning, mind-blowing video, these are just some of the amazing features coming with the xPhone:

  • It’s more stylish than the iPhone. I’m sorry, Steve, but it’s true. Look at the thing, it’s goddamn beautiful!
  • It has a mount for camera lenses. This implies that the camera will be good enough to make use of them, and if true, it will kick the living snot out of the iPhone’s camera.
  • It has a printer. You take a picture, and you print it out from the phone. I have no idea how they could fit the paper into such a small package, but they did it.
  • It accepts every type of memory ever made. Talk about ultimate backwards compatibility; the xPhone lets you use CDs, DVDs, Flash Drives, floppies drives of all sizes, cassette tapes, and VHS tapes. Holy shit.
  • It’s nuclear powered. I don’t know exactly how long it holds a charge, but the xPhone has a nuclear power cell, so you can bet you’ll never need to charge it, ever. Great ballsac, that’s impressive.
  • It’s a hot-plate. You read that right; while you’re listening to music on this thing, it will keep your coffee warm. That’s just … Jesus Christ.
  • sms2Toast. The xPhone lets you receive text messages on toast that it makes for you. I don’t even know how to explain the way this makes me feel, it’s just insane.
  • It can boost your car. Thanks to the nuclear power cell, you can use your phone to get your car started.  I can’t breathe.

I had no idea technology could be like this. It’s like I thought I was nice and warm, sitting cozy by a fire, but now I find that all that time I was actually frozen in a hunk of ice on Europa.

Jesus Monkeyballs Christ, Apple’s dead. It’s over. How can the iPhone compete with this? It can’t, okay? It just can’t. Yeah, you can get 100,000 apps for your phone, and eventually you’ll be able to get hardware accessories, but can you start your car with it? Can you keep your food warm? Will it make you toast?

I’m on the edge, here, people. I never thought that Apple could be unseated like this, and that it could happen so completely, and so suddenly. Yesterday Apple owned the mobile marketplace, but today? Today — and tomorrow — belongs to the xPhone, and it makes me want to vomit. Those freakishly talented xPhone engineers have probably destroyed my ability to sleep, but they haven’t destroyed my ability to poop, because I just crapped my pants.

I need to call Steve, and find out what his next steps are going to be. What our next steps are going to be. Oh, God, who am I kidding? Steve’s already given up. I bet he’s already cut the power and told his legions of pretentious engineers to shave their soul patches and find a new career.

Is this it for me, too? I mean, if Apple’s down, I am, too, because — no, wait, I’m not going down without a fight, I’m Walt Mosspuppet. I am the kingmaker! I’m bigger than some failed technology company. I’ve been around since the beginning of time, do you really think something like the sudden collapse of one of the most popular consumer electronics companies on the planet is going to stop me?

That’s right, internet, that’s right. I’m a survivor. All I have to do is find the next really obviously successful company to hitch my wagon to, then when they succeed, I’ll act like it was all my doing, and I’ll be on top of the world! And, shitsticks, will you look at that? I’ve just discovered the xPhone. What fortuitous timing!

To the bastards behind the shockingly fantastic xPhone: Do you need a pet reporter? I have a huge audience, and I’ll say whatever you want no matter how many small flaws I see, or how many broken promises or shady violations of human decency are eventually unearthed. All I ask is exclusive advanced access to your products, and for your CEO to show up at my conference, so I can feel like a big man.

Please?

PS: No hard feelings, Steve, but you’re the past, and Mosspuppet has his eyes on the future.

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