Everyone with Apple Tablet rumors should shut up.
Seriously, nerds, you need to shut up and stop talking about the Apple Tablet until it’s announced, unless you have actually seen it, or if you’ve actually received official confirmation of its existence. Otherwise, you look like a bunch of jackasses with one hand on your crotch and another on your sticky keyboard, desperate for something to validate your last visit to GoDaddy.com and all those times you yelled up the stairs to your mother “I am so a journalist!”
Here’s the thing: I’m not saying the Tablet doesn’t exist. I know it does. My good friend Steve Jobs has shown me the Tablet, and I’ve even owned a few of the prototypes of it. But that’s me. I’m Walt Mosspuppet, for crapdamn’s sake. Who are you? I can’t be sure, but you’re probably nobody, at least as far as Apple’s concerned. I mean, seriously, how much money do you help Apple make? I’ve helped them make millions, okay? I’m the goddamn kingmaker! Why would Apple share sensitive information with you if the only person who benefits is you? That’s right. Shut up.
The way you people talk about the Apple Tablet, you’d swear that you already have it in their living room; you jackasses prattle on about features like you’re reading it from a spec sheet, debating this or that, when you have no idea when — or if — you’ll ever see the Tablet at all. You look like such staggeringly large idiots that I find it hard to believe you ever figured out how to work a computer well enough to post your idiotic rumors in the first place!
You disgust me.
You might be asking why I just said “or if,” right after I said the tablet exists. Well, I’ll tell you: this is Apple we’re talking about. Apple is run by my dear friend Steve, who’s about as capricious a person as God, and just because the thing is fully built and ready to roll out the door, it doesn’t mean it’ll get launched, or even announced. If Steve decides one of you idiots need to shut up about the tablet, he could very well cancel the entire project! I have personally watched Steve ransack every single Apple store in a single night to “recall” a brand-new, revolutionary Apple Blu-Ray player, just because Gruber said it was going to be bundled with a copy of “The Pirates of Silicon Valley,” and Steve wanted to spite the curly-haired bastard.
So don’t pretend like you know what’s coming, okay? You have no idea. Even I, who have actually held the tablet in my hands, don’t know what’s coming because Steve gets a moist kind of joy out of fucking with his customers.