Home > Google, Idiots, Small Things I Blow Out Of Proportion, Techcrunch > The Google Phone Does Not Exist.

The Google Phone Does Not Exist.

Despite what everybody’s been saying, the Google Phone doesn’t exist. It just doesn’t. All other tech journalists but me get it wrong. Again.

How do I know that the Google Phone doesn’t exist? Simple: because I have not seen it. Was that simple enough for you? Alright, fiiiine, I’ll try it again, with smaller words:

If the Google Phone were real, Eric Schmidt would have personally delivered one to me months ago, on bended-knee, for my approval. This is the power I wield in the industry, you simpering meatbags; if I don’t bless a product, it doesn’t sell. So since Eric didn’t give me a phone, it can’t logically exist.

You’re welcome.

Also, just as a brief comment about the CrunchGear article I linked to at the top: John Biggs describes the non-existent phone as being an HTC model, but then ends with this stupefying nugget:

This is “a big deal” on the level of Neo learning Kung Fu in The Matrix. This means Google is making hardware.

John, are you actually conscious when you write these articles? Were you too busy climaxing at the thought of Sergey and Larry literally penetrating you to notice that earlier in your single-paragraph article you specifically referred to it as being:

an HTC Phone

How in Skullfuck Island does Google buying a bunch of phones from someone else and installing software on them mean that they’re making hardware? That’s just idiotic. Am I car manufacturer because there’s a Volkswagen sitting in my driveway?

To recap: There is no Google Phone, because I don’t already know about it.

Shut up.

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  1. December 12, 2009 at 7:19 pm

    How in Skullfuck Island does Google buying a bunch of phones from someone else and installing software on them mean that they’re making hardware?

    Same as Apple. Apple commissions various hardware companies to produce its hardware. People still say Apple “makes” the hardware for its computers, even though there isn’t a manufacturing plant in Cupertino that Apple actually physically produces all Apple products.

    What is probably meant here, if the Google phone does exist (and I suspect you’re right that it doesn’t) it means that instead of taking a pre-existing HTC hardware model and then just installing Android on it, Google actually commissioned HTC to make a specific kind of phone that Google approved of and felt worked especially well with Android.

    • Glenn Fleishman
      December 13, 2009 at 3:17 am

      “Apple commissions various hardware companies to produce its hardware.”

      Yes, and Apple designs it from motherfucking bottom to top, and tears new orifices in companies that don’t make the products precisely as they want.

      Does anyone believe that Google had a division designing chips and components and building hardware for 18 months, and having 20 guys at HTC riding their asses every day?

      No. Google put its software on an HTC phone with some parameters (color and finish) defined by Google.

      Apple built a phone and hired firms to mass produce it.

      • December 13, 2009 at 2:19 pm

        Exactly!

        And from the faked photos coming out right now, the non-existent phone is just an HTC Passion with Android installed on it.

  1. December 13, 2009 at 3:21 am
  2. December 14, 2009 at 1:43 pm

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