The iPad is perfect in so many ways, so this comic is wrong factually, but even if it were, it would still be worth $499.
This week’s thrilling video would already be out now, but for a medical emergency that cropped up. Turns out that I needed a new hip.
This goddamn morphine is fantastic.
Chris Breen wrote an article for macworld.com called “Five rib-tickling tech sites,” and wouldn’t you know it? I’m number 2, second only to my close, personal friend Steve Jobs:
Another fake techno-celebrity site. Walt Mosspuppet is a cantankerous puppet-version of Wall Street Journal technology columnist Walt Mossberg. I’ve met Mossberg, and the puppet’s caustic personality is nothing like his. But that doesn’t make the videos, the blog, or the Twitter stream any less of a hoot. As with Fake Steve, the puppet’s humor often transcends mere jokes to offer real insights into technology and journalism.
There are four other sites on the list, which are all great, but they’re not me, so I won’t tell you about them. RTFA, bitches!
MacRumors has done a little bit of detective work regarding all the hoopla around the lack of Flash on the amazing iPad. Myself, I don’t care about Flash because if my close, personal friend Steve Jobs tells me that the full experience of using the internet involves cutting out a slew of technologies that would hurt at his profits, well, crap, that’s what the best way to view the internet is.
Anyway, here are two screenshots of the iPad; the first is from the amazing keynote, where Steve was browsing the New York Times website, and the other is from the iPad promotional video, showing that same page. In the live demo there was clearly a broken plugin icon, but in the demo video, flash is shown.
So what’s the deal? I don’t know and I don’t care. Steve can change his mind if he wants and enable Flash support in the thing at any time. It’s his choice, and I don’t think any decisions he makes should be questioned. And if one of those decisions is to knowingly edit a promotional video for a product to make it look like it does something it doesn’t, well, that’s perfectly fine.
I mean, crapballs, it’s only false advertising if someone else does it.
Yesterday was the day my close, personal friend Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad to the world. Actually, ‘unveiled’ is such a cold word; let’s say he gave it to the world. Benevolently. Like some kind of technological Santa Claus who, unlike the real Santa Claus, actually watches his goddamn weight. Anyway, the iPad is here, and as a quick look through my previous posts on the matter will show you, I was right about everything. Some of you have been quibbling with me over the fact that in my review of the device, I called it the iSlate. That’s true, but my device was called the iSlate. As I described on the Mac|Live podcast yesterday, this was a beautiful example of Apple screwing with the press, and the tech industry as a whole: they started calling it the slate so that everyone else would pre-emptively start calling their “tablets”slates, so Apple could come out swinging with the new name, catching everyone off-guard. Boom, bitches! But my prototype tablets, being older than the last minute name change, was actually called the iSlate; it had the name written on it, and everything. So I was right.
I realize there are some nay-sayers out there who’ve just gotten home from their frontal-lobotomy and are still adjusting to lacking a significant portion of their brains and are still on massive painkillers and can’t think correctly, and who say that the iPad is just a big iPhone, and not a big deal. Well, those people are crapdamn idiots, they’re wrong, and here’s why:
iPad is a phenomenal name.
It’s a logical extension of the “i” naming system Apple’s been brilliantly running into the ground over these past years like some sort of plow with fantastic industrial design. iPad sounds like iPod, but it’s different. By one character. And you know what, crapcakes? One character may be a small difference, but small things matter, okay? Just ask my wife, who’s only 2 feet tall but still says my junk is too tiny. (I don’t think this is a problem for a marriage counselor, dear)
The iPad isn’t a big iPhone touch.
People are complaining that the iPad is just a big iPhone, that it’s not so much revolutionary as it is a blatant cash grab, but you know what? Those people are wrong: the iPad isn’t a big iPhone, it’s a big iPod Touch. For that comparison to work, the iPad would have to be able to do more, like take pictures and movies, and make phone calls. The iPad actually does less than the iPhone. Apple wins again, craptards.
The iPad offers a fundamentally new way to surf the web.
Just like Steve said during his keynote (which, I don’t have to tell you, had me rushing for fresh pants every three to five minutes), the iPad revolutionizes the way we see the web. Before we could see it on our desktops, our laptops, our netbooks, our tablets (if we were suckers and bought one of those PC tablets), our phones, or on our TVs. There was basically no way to see the web that worked at all. I, for one, had never ever seen an entire web page at once, but now I can. I wasn’t able to actually scroll through a web page and find content to read, but now I can. Before, in the time PT (we’re now in AT, in case you don’t get the dating system I’m going for), if I wanted to see the full web, I was basically screwed; there was no device I could sit with, could hold in my hand or put on my lap that would allow me to view the web on a small screen, to sit comfortably with. Sure, I suppose you could jam some sort of small portable computer on your lap, but what would you even call such a superfluous device? Why would you even bother? Or you could use your phone to do it, but has a portable device ever even had a decent web browser on it before yesterday? I think that if you think about it, you’ll find that the answer is no. Shut up.
Now, though, in the year 1 PT (yesterday was New Year’s, and I hope everyone had a nice drinkey-poo to celebrate! I did, even though my wife was looking at me like some kind of sour-faced midget when I opened the third bottle), I’m able to sit with a small portable device that connects to the internet. For the first time ever I’m able to hold the internet in my hand — what a great tagline, Steve! — and I can use a multitouch input to slide around the page, to zoom in and out. It’s incredible. Before the iPad, none of these capabilities existed in any form. This device is a breath of fresh air.
My hat goes off to you, Steve. Your ability to change games so continuously astounds me.
If you’re let down by this thing, shut up.
There are a number of people who are saying they’re let down by the iPad because it’s just a big iPod Touch. To those people I say: shut up, crapballs. Prior to yesterday, Apple hadn’t said anything publicly about the device at all. All of the hype was generated by the media, by the tech industry, and by consumers eager for that one more thing that my close, personal friend Steve Jobs is so famous for unveiling. Well, we got that one more thing, and it’s fantastic. It’s new. It’s bold. It’s unlike anything that’s ever existed before. It’s phenomenal, and if you can’t see that, if you’re comparing this magical device to something that couldn’t possibly have existed because it only existed in the minds of whacked-out bloggers looking for ways to earn more on Google AdSense, well, that’s just crazy. You’re just crazy.
Seriously, you should think about finding someone to help you out because of how goddamn crazy you are, Mr. Crazy Crazington.
Look, if the rumors said that Apple was going to release a machine that violated the second law of thermodynamics (look it up!), and then instead announced a processor upgrade to the MacBook Pro, would that be a letdown? Some would say yes, but those people suck, like Michael Arrrrrrrington or Steve Balllllmer. Most people would realize that a device that violates the second law of thermodynamics would be impossible, and Apple could hardly be blamed for failing to rewrite the basic laws of the universe, right? So it is with the various iPad rumors; the hypothetical device that people kept talking about for these past months — these past years — that was different from what had come before, that was more than just a larger iPod Touch and was a full-featured computer full of innovation, that took advantage of all those fever-dream patents that Apple has applied for over the years, that would have let us interact with the thing in ways that defy description sounded pretty cool, but it couldn’t have existed, and the iPad shouldn’t be judged against that non-existent piece of ambrosia.
Steve Jobs has given us the greatest possible device that can exist in this universe, and for that I say thank you. Four stars!
Talking about the glorious iPad. Click here to listen, you bastards.
Gruber’s posted this photo of me talking to my close, personal friend Steve Jobs after the amazing keynote in which he unveiled, finally, the iPad to the whole of the world.
First of all, holy crap, that lighting makes me look like a sad, shriveled old man. Gross.
Second, Gruber is a filthy scum liar for saying I hadn’t ever seen the device before; I’ve had prototypes of the things for years, as you can see in my goddamn review of the device.
Third, Steve wasn’t upset that I was sitting on his table, because he knows that I’m an old man, and I need to sit frequently. Did you notice any crapdamn chairs, Gruber?