Home > Apple > BREAKING! Apple to start its own bank to finance iSlate purchases.

BREAKING! Apple to start its own bank to finance iSlate purchases.

A lot of people — let’s call them idiots — are complaining about the fact that the iSlate will be too expensive. The wide consensus is that it’s going to be about $1,000, and since we now know that you won’t get the full experience unless you have an iPhone to tether it to, That puts the iSlate experience at about $1200 upfront, plus $60 a month. I don’t find that expensive at all, but it’s certainly more than $5.

Now, there are lots of people who already have the iPhone, and so they’re already paying their $60 a month, so they won’t have to worry about the cost of the new phone. They will have to worry about the cost of tethering, unless they’re in Canada (for some reason, the normally abusive Rogers is giving everyone tethering for free), so that could be upwards of $30 a month.

So what’s a person to do in this time of economic downturn? I have just been informed by an Anonymous Tipster of what Apple’s plan to get as many people aboard the iTrain as possible. No, they’re not going to make the products more affordable, because shut up. What they are doing is starting their own bank, called iSave. That’s right, rather than paying $1200 + $60-$90/month, you’ll just pay your $150 every month to Apple.

iSave looks set to change everything for everyone. Some of the more salient points that were forwarded to me:

  • One payment a month – Give Apple all your money, and they’ll redistribute it accordingly; to the phone company, gas company, whatever!
  • Their interest rate is their margin – For ease of understanding, Apple’s new motto is “50%.”
  • iTunes Integration – Just hook your iSave account to your iTunes login, and every purchase you make will come out of your bank immediately, with no credit card interest charges!
  • Old Products? Old Problem! – If you buy an Apple product using your iSave account, you can opt-in to “iSubscribe”, a program that automatically buys new products for you as Apple announces them. As a bonus to iSave customers, new products are offered at a 5% discount.
  • Tight Security – To ensure the highest levels of security, iSave requires that you replace your bank card every 4 months. (at customer’s expense)
  • Your Bank Card is an iPod – The next iPod Shuffle is your new bank card. Rock ‘n Roll ‘n Save!
  • Breathtaking Bank Statements – Jonathan Ives, Apple’s lead designer, has created the most attractive bank statements ever made, and you get one, every month, for free.
  • Accessible via iPhone 3GS if you have the iPhone 3GS and the new iSlate, you can access your iSave account on the go!

iSave, which will be announced near the end of January, will be available date and date with the iSlate, to make sure nobody gets left behind the curve of the future. Man, it looks like Apple’s going to revolutionize another industry.

Thanks, anonymous tipster!

  1. January 4, 2010 at 8:13 pm

    You’ve been punked by Robert X Cringely.

    • January 4, 2010 at 10:05 pm

      I don’t even know who that is. Is he a writer on Futurama?

  1. January 4, 2010 at 12:38 pm
  2. January 4, 2010 at 8:02 pm

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