Home > Apple, Idiots, Small Things I Blow Out Of Proportion > Clouded Leopard? Apple wouldn’t be so stupid.

Clouded Leopard? Apple wouldn’t be so stupid.

The functionally retarded people over at phonearena.com have published what an “anonymous tipster” claims are the specs for the upcoming iSlate. Why do I call them functionally retarded? Because if they think some anonymous tipster’s going to just happen to have the motherload of details on Apple’s forthcoming revolutionary take on personal computing, a couple weeks before Apple’s official announcement, then they need to quickly walk to the back of the goddamn short bus, and shut up.

This is what they have to say:

You know that people interested in the mobile industry are talking about a presumable Apple tablet right now. You also know that this tablet may be called iSlate and could be announced on January 26. However, you do not know what the specifications of the device are. Well, that’s about to change… now.

No, it’s not about to change. Jesus. First of all, “Clouded Leopard?” There’s no way that Steve would be so misguided, even after the baffling cover art they used for Snow Leopard. Second, if you look at the first image that phonearena posted …

  • The weight of “Mac OS X” is different from “Clouded Leopard,” which implies that the “anonymous tipster” was too much of a dullard to figure out what font to use, and just took his best guess.
  • Snow Leopard’s tagline is “The World’s Most Advanced Operating System. Finely Tuned.” Clearly Mr. Anonymous Tipster has no ability to think creatively.
  • Further cementing the goddamn certainty that this is just a lame attempt at taking advantage of iSlate-mania to get a bogus rumor out, one of the “new” features of Clouded Leopard is support for Exchange Server, which is already in Snow Leopard? At least do your homework before you try to punk me, crapholes.

But wait, there’s more! There’s a second photo of a second sheet of paper that they fabricated to mess with gullible idiots. This one has the “specs” of the iSlate!

First of all, does Apple event publish spec-sheets like this, for “internal use?” It just looks so … under-designed. It makes me feel dirty even contemplating its accuracy.

Also, if it comes with “Clouded Leopard,” why would they feel the need to internally point out to Apple employees what components come with their own goddamn OS? The only reason I can think of to point out software features so granularly is to try to get tipster sites really excited by the fact that ohmygodit’sfullosxthisisgoingtobeamazingIjustwetmyselfthreetimes!

I mean, Jesus Christ, they may as well be writing “put the fake Picasso signature here” on the bottom of a painting and calling it real.

Even if these specs are real — I’ll neither confirm nor deny the actual specs for the iSlate, because I’m under NDA and that’s not the point — I just don’t see Apple being so granular. They’re all about the experience of the thing, the feel of using a piece of the future. They’re not going to get anybody excited by mentioning a “Built-in 10/100/1000BASE-T” ethernet port.

Go to your shame corner, Anonymous Tipster, and stop wasting my valuable goddamn time. I hate you.

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