Home > Apple, Idiots, Microsoft > The Apple Blog is run by pretentious fortune-tellers, apparently.

The Apple Blog is run by pretentious fortune-tellers, apparently.

I love Apple products. I’m good friends with Steve Jobs, Jonathan Ive, and the rest of the gang, and I know — though I can’t publicly admit it — that the iSlate will be fantastic. And I want to support their efforts. Also I appreciate when other people love Apple products, because that means, hopefully, that people have the same level of appreciation for the greatness that regularly emanates from Cupertino. And it’s occasionally awkward, because you hear people talking about things that you know are true, but they’re talking out of their idiot asses and are basically getting the right information by accident. I want to punch these people in the face, but then it looks like I’m saying that what they’re saying isn’t true. Only I’m not doing that: I’m just saying that they’re idiots.

Case in point, the fine fine necrophiliacs over at The Apple Blog just wrote “Microsoft’s Slate: Exactly Unlike Apple’s Upcoming Tablet” as a response to the HP Slate, which was shown at Steve Ballmer’s recent CES keynote:

So, Microsoft has unveiled a new tablet PC — a prototype made by HP, dubbed (not coincidentally) a Slate. Fake Steve Jobs suggests it ought to be called the “meh,” and he’s dead right, while the UK’s Telegraphsaid it could be a “major blow” to Apple, and they’re just dead wrong.

I’d like to laugh at this crazy last-minute pantomime display of “Me too!” (all dressed-up, it seems, as “Me first!”) but I can’t because the whole thing reeks of desperation.

I don’t disagree that Microsoft is trying to steal Apple’s supposed thunder, but what the crap else are they going to do? Nothing? That’s absurd. They’re market leaders and they want to stay that way.

My issue with this post by Liam Cassidy is that when he says “they’re just dead wrong,” he has no goddamn idea what he’s talking about. Does he have inside sources? Has he seen the tablet? No. So he needs to shut up.

In my personal blog yesterday I made some (not particularly original) predictions about Microsoft’s new tablet. I said it would fail, and that it would fail because it would run the full version of Windows 7 and require a stylus. My stylus prediction proved incorrect (so far; just you wait for the “Microsoft Slate PC Student and Business Edition” which will likely have a stylus and fold-out keyboard. That’s right, aka “a notebook”.)

Oh, yes, Liam, we should believe what you have to say after you admit that you were wrong. Way to confirm your clairvoyant skills, you bastard.

There’s good reason to study the Microsoft slate; while it doesn’t precisely tell us what to expect from Apple’s tablet, it does demonstrate what not to expect.

Liam, I agree that the HP Slate (or whatever it ends up being called) won’t hurt the iSlate, nor will the other tablets on the market. But you know what I base that on? Having actually used the thing. All you’re doing is pretending that Apple is the first company to think of using a tablet, or using the term slate, and then imagining that every other company in the goddamn world is trying to copy Apple with the very idea of putting in a touch screen, despite the fact that these companies have been making tablets — and calling them slates — for the better part of the decade. You’re like a Christian apologist trying to explain away pre-Christian messiahs as having copied Jesus before he was born, for crap’s sake. It’s pathetic.

Here’s the thing: I agree with most of the points Liam’s making. I agree that you need an interface designed for touch. I also realize — because I actually do my goddamn research — that Microsoft has actually put a lot of effort into making Windows 7 touchscreen friendly. It won’t be enough, in my experience, but your comment makes you look like you’re blogging with fridge magnet poetry.

Seriously, Liam, this:

And I guarantee you will not see a single control element (button, tab, scrollbar and the like) migrate, intact and unchanged, from desktop OS X to tablet OS. Apple knows not to makethat mistake. Microsoft does not; it’s loading Windows 7 — unmodified UI et al — onto its tablet. But this time there’s not even a stylus to help you. You gotta use your pinkies. The result — an awkward, practically unusable UI.

and this:

Worse: Microsoft has backed itself into a corner. This summer, in the wake of Apple’s iSlate (or whatever it’s called) if HP releases this tablet largely unchanged, it’ll get laughed out of the room. The alternative — massively changing it to more closely resemble Apple’s device — will be humiliating.

and this:

If we lived in Bizarro World, and Apple’s tablet turned-out to be just like Microsoft’s prototype, I’d be devastated. I’d question Apple’s creative strategy. I’d wonder if Jonny Ive was out of his mind. I’d definitely question Steve Jobs’ sanity. But you and I both know that when El Jobso takes the stage on the 27th and unveils his shiny new toy it will be breathtaking.

Makes you look like a raving lunatic. Yes, the iSlate is fantastic. Yes, Apple found a way to make tablet computing make sense — they found the selling point, the jingle, the line, the use-case (to be fair to Microsoft, they’re great at building the tech, they just suck at selling it). But you don’t know what that is, and so blathering on about the mighty Steve Jobs as if you have any idea what’s going on in his head makes you sound like you’re needing to wipe off your chin and your crotch after every paragraph.

Make no mistake, I hate Microsoft, and I hate Steve Ballmer even more, the sweaty, bald bastard. They blew the keynote, because Ballmer’s about the least charismatic person in the world. My left testicle, wherever it is, could do a better product demo. So I’m not talking about how unimpressive the tablet is, though it IS impressive, and the current tablets on the market have something that Apple frankly doesn’t — they’re on the market. You know? People have heard of the Apple Tablet, but nobody’s seen it yet, so at this exact moment in time, it’s a goddamn rumor. Comparing two products you’ve never touched, one you don’t know for a fact even exists and saying one sucks because of what you imagine the other will have, is fucking ridiculous, you little crap salad. You embarrass yourself, and you know what else? You embarrass the other Mac fans out there, because we have a reputation as being a little unhinged in our devotion to my close, personal friend Steve Jobs, and this junk makes the idiots who haven’t yet chugged back the koolaid think it’s cyanide.

Will you do me a favor, Apple Blog, and not write breathless tripe like this? It makes us all look bad. More than that it makes me look bad, and nobody makes Walter Sassafras Mosspuppet look bad but my wife.

Shut up.

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  1. joe c
    January 8, 2010 at 7:59 pm

    It’s “Ive” singular, Mr. Puppet. And no sir I will not shut up.

    • January 8, 2010 at 11:33 pm

      I fixed that, thank you. And yes, do shut up.

  2. March 14, 2010 at 2:09 am

    This is the reason I read mosspuppet.com. Incredible posts.

    http://videotyrannising.blogspot.com/

  1. January 8, 2010 at 5:49 pm

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