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Google Stands up to China?

I’m Walt Mossberg; shut up.
The blogosphere — along with the mainstream media — is falling over itself to get on its knees to offer its freshly moistened, poorly-spelled lips to Google over their recent decision to stop censoring search results in China, and they’re positively orgasmic at Google’s threat to pull out of China entirely. People are calling it and act of humanity, the move of the decade. People are saying that Google is doing something noble, and should be commended.
Well, I say fuck you, Google, with your latter-day conscience and your mismatched socks. You ought to be ashamed of the fact that it took something like this to make you respond properly to China’s demands. For those of you who aren’t familiar with this story, I’ll give you a bit of background: Google’s an international company, and as such they want to be in as many markets as possible. A few years ago they tried to expand into China, but the Chinese government said they wanted them to censor search results performed by their citizens, because they’re, you know, running a COMMUNIST REGIME and they don’t want the populace to know how poorly they’re being treated by their own government. After a lot of hemming and hawing, and after Eric Schmidt, Larry Page AND Sergey Brin both completely ignored my advice on the matter, Google caved like a beret-wearing Frenchman and agreed to censor their search results in China. Can you believe that? Here I am, the kingmaker, an expert on foreign policy and international diplomacy, and they didn’t even pay attention to what I had to say. See how much trouble I could have saved you, you bastards?
Oh, but when I called Eric — this was when he was still on the board of Apple, before everybody realized he was betraying my close, personal friend Steve Jobs, and actively trying to sabotage him Apple — he said “Well, now, Walt, partial access to Google is better than no access to Google.”  My response? What if a community of faith healers wanted you to censor their results so that nobody could find information on emergency medical assistance, would you be game? What if they believed doctors were agents of the devil, and the only way they could be healed was through prayer? Also, what if you succeeded in your insane plan to make Apple fail? What then, you prick? That’s what I thought.
Is it surprising that a major corporation compromised its ideals to enter a new market and make more money? Hell no! In fact it would’ve been more surprising if they HADN’T caved; I mean, IBM sold computers to the Nazis, and everybody’s cool with them. I even gave their Thinkpads great reviews until they sold them to Lenovo, because my Wife had a torrid affair with Lenovo CEO Yang Yuanqing at CES in 2005. Oh, I hate that man and his luscious hair. I’ll see you in Hell, Yang Yuanqing!
As far as the press release bullcrap about Google acting in the interests of the Chinese people goes, that turns out to be bullcrap. Google was hacked by the Chinese government, and in response, they stopped giving in to those communistic assholes. Yes, Eric, you did the right thing — even though you totally ignored MY valuable advice about it — but you did it too late and for the wrong reasons. You sanctimonious asshole. You encouraged China for years by engaging in business with them, but now that they attacked you personally, you have ethics? Fuck you. You can all go to an efficiently coded hell.
This goddamn situation makes me sick. Was the suffering of the people in China not enough to motivate your considerable organization? Wasn’t my advice good enough? If you think “Do No Evil” somehow means “support an oppressive regime in their efforts to oppress and kill their own people AND ignore Walt Mossberg,” you better send some engineers to fix Google Translate. How many people died to increase your asiatic market share? How many people died because you ignored valuable counsel? You should use your dominance in search to find out who you should’ve listened to about all this junk YEARS ago.
Spoiler alert: You should’ve listened to me!
Some of you may be wondering about all the other people in the country who support China by buying all their products. After all, you’d be hard-pressed to find any store in any mall in the nation that wasn’t loaded to the gills with a bunch of cheap crap from the Communist nirvana, and doesn’t that make every single person in the country complicit? Doesn’t that mean that we’re all of us okay with this level of oppression because we’re personally benefiting from it, making any show of force to the country about as threatening as a proverbial paper tiger? Well, are you a major corporation run by Eric Schmidt? Did you betray Apple of ignore my advice? No? Then shut up!
Eric, I’m going to offer you my advice one more time, and if you don’t take it now, I’m going to fly to California and vomit on your eyebrows. You get me, you crapcake?
Because it’ll roll down onto his eyes and his mouth, and it’d taste bad, Katie. Jesus, do I have to explain everything to you?
My advice to you, Eric, AGAIN, is to blockade China. You know what a blockade is, right? No? Look it up; I bet you have access to unfiltered results. Basically, you block someone’s access to something they need in order to get them to do what you want, and in this case you could blockade them digitally. I mean, you’re GOOGLE, for crap’s sake, you could snap your nerdy fingers and have China disappear from the rest of the world in an instant, and the world is so interconnected now that the ability to do something like that is REAL power. You’re almost as powerful as I am, and even if you couldn’t do it entirely by yourself, you absolutely have the muscle to convince the people you’d need to get to help you. I mean, good Christ, it’s not like you’re Yahoo or Bing or Altavista or something; you’re a REAL search engine.
Eric, if the internet were a planet, Google would be its most heavily armed nation; you could’ve used your considerable goddamn might to ACTUALLY make things better, instead of talking trash about it after the fact like some kind of online France. It’s pathetic.  All you self-serving bastards make me want to jump off a rock.
You should check out my blog at mosspuppet.com because it’s great, and you should subscribe to my Twitter, which is at twitter dot com slash mosspuppet because it’s also great. Also look for my show on iTunes; I hear if you rate it and leave a comment, I go up in the ratings. Also I think I look pretty fantastic in my new track suit, even if my stupid wife says it makes me look like a geriatric pimp. She doesn’t know what she’s talking about, I look awesome in this thing.
This has been Walt Mossberg: shut up.
  1. bg
    January 17, 2010 at 6:14 pm

    Where’s that embed code, MP? Good grief.

  2. bg
    January 17, 2010 at 8:14 pm

    Thanks. Shut up.

  3. January 17, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    Yet, Apple does a lot of business with China – someone was obviously killed, suicide my foot because of Apple’s business. And that’s the one we know about. Don’t get sanctimonious about Google ’til your boyfriend, Steve Jobs, starts bringing those Chinese jobs to Mexico, since he’s too cheap, I mean, a shrewd businessman, to bring it those jobs to say California, Texas or Michigan, I hear they’re having an unemployment problem there, too.

  1. January 17, 2010 at 6:26 pm
  2. January 19, 2010 at 11:20 am

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