Home > Apple, Idiots > iPad? Shut up.

iPad? Shut up.

So everybody and their mother is oh so absolutely sure now that the upcoming iSlate will actually be called the iPad. What makes them so sure that this is the actual name of Apple’s soon-to-be-announced tablet? Trademark filings.

iSlate or iPad? According to MacRumors, Apple has filed iPad in the Canadian trademark database under the categories of handheld mobile digital electronic devices with a broad range of applications. The blog points out that while the original iSlate trademarks dates back to 2006-2007, iPad was filed in July 2009

Not to forget the past too quickly, it was only, um, yesterday when everyone was absolutely sure that the tablet would be called the iSlate (which, as I told you, it absolutely will be), based on trademark filings.

Evidence? No, it isn’t. Shut up.

Ignoring for a moment the fact that I know that it will be called the iSlate because I have several at home, let’s break these goddamn idiots down, shall we? I mean their claims. Let’s break their claims down. No, actually, I like the idea of breaking them down more. Anyway, they say that iPad is newer as a name, so that means better. What a load of malarkey that is! “iPad” is a name that Steve Jobs (who is, I should point out, my close, personal friend and confidante) would choose? Shut up, it is not. iPad is the dumbest name I could imagine for this device. Why would Steve want to name the future after a goddamn tampon? He wouldn’t, because unlike the fanboy Apple journalists who cling to his wake like parasites, Steve’s a terrifically smart man; he would never consider a name unless it was actually worthy of Apple.

In case you thought I was joking about the iPad being the name of a tampon, by the way, check this out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1BUH9eXy18

The New Hotness? No, it isn’t. Shut up.

People are pointing to the fact that the trademark for iPad was only filed back in July as evidence for why it’s absolutely the real name no fooling omg roflcopter. Well, you know what? The iSlate trademark was filed years ago, and is only being used now. Apple files trademarks well in advance of their being used in products (it’s a little known fact that Steve Jobs applied for the trademark for “David Pogue” back in 1992), so even if the iPad were a real product name, why would anybody assume that it would be used now, rather than several years from now? Apple thinks farther ahead than you do, fanboys.

Maybe Apple’s just messing with the fanboys. Did you ever think of that?

Apple’s trademark filing for iSlate became big news for people who were looking for something to goddamn masturbate to, and so the industry started referring to tablet computers as Slates, even though they’ve been referring to them like that a while ago. It’s the name of the form factor, for crap’s sake. So now, conveniently, people are talking about how the iPad is the new name, chosen by Apple in response to the fact that everyone else is adopting the word Slate, which was already in use, even though the filing date for iSlate was well before the fervor around the term “slate?” Please. You bastards are confusing the order in which you found out about something with the order in which it actually happened. Use a goddamn calendar, you hicks.

Hey, Apple fanboys: either become real journalists, or shut up. You suck at reading tea leaves, and you suck even more at reading the mind of my close, personal friend Steve Jobs. You may as well be trying to figure out what a unicorn is thinking about ponies right now, you guys are so out of it.

You idiots are making real journalists (like, ahem, me) look like slavering idiots, and it needs to stop. Now.

Shut up.

  1. Scott
    January 20, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Jesus, chill out.

  2. January 21, 2010 at 4:05 am

    for the tampon joke,you’re welcome

  3. Jason Mrz
    January 27, 2010 at 10:07 pm


  4. PIZ
    May 14, 2010 at 8:21 am

    I love this guy! Walt rules!

    Shut up!

  5. steve
    May 15, 2010 at 7:08 am

    WOW…it must suck to be so opinionated on a given subject only to be proved so catagorically wrong.

  1. January 20, 2010 at 4:25 pm

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