Why Apple fanboys can suck it.
Next week marks the announcement date of Apple’s staggeringly awesome new tablet computer, the iSlate, and the hype and rumors surrounding it have reached goddamn epic levels. It’s insane; everyone seems to have a rumor or a theory or some cold hard fact about the tablet, but they’re all of them clearly pulled out of the asses of whoever’s pressing “publish” on their blog.
Let me be clear: the iSlate is amazing; I’ve had several over the course of years, and I can tell you that I can hardly even remember what it’s like not to have one of these super-awesome devices; they’re life-altering. So good. That said, why do people who not only not have the iSlate, but only have access to Apple rumor sites think they have some sort of special insight into what the device is? It’s idiotic. Now, it’s not the guessing that irks me, it’s the tone; you’ve got thousands of know-it-all jerks running around proclaiming what Apple’s bold new strategy is, but if they had any business acumen at all (the bloggers, not Apple) do you really think they’d be sitting in their basement writing blog entries? Hell, no! If they were as smart as Apple, like nearly all of them suggest, then they’d be too busy with their massively successful businesses to bother with piddly-crap blogs.
Apple engenders a sort of religious devotion, and that’s because of how great their products are, and how great their leader is (who happens to be my close, personal friend, if I haven’t already mentioned). The upshot to that is that they get a lot of press, control an obscene amount of mindshare, and sell a boatload of products. The downside to this is that everyone who buys a Mac suddenly thinks they’re better than the rest of the world, and, well, religious fanatics are pretty well goddamn insane. Case in point, I was listening to MacBreak Weekly yesterday. They were talking about the tablet, because it’s a Mac show, and if they weren’t talking about the tablet then Apple’s Hype Department would come by, break their kneecaps, and take away their fan-club memberships, and they were each describing what they thought the tablet would be.
Only they forgot to preface their comments with “I think that Apple will” or “It would be amazing if Apple would” and spent 90 minutes detailing all of the ways they knew Apple would revolutionize the world with the iSlate, what their plans would be, and what they want to achieve in the market, as though they had any idea directly. And while I do believe the iSlate will be revolutionary (hell, if you look at what people are doing in anticipation of the thing, before it’s even been announced, it’s clearly already revolutionary) I base that on first-hand experience with the thing, and I’m not sitting around like a bunch of starry-eyed little girls hopped up on goddamn Pixie-sticks going on and on about how great it’s going to be. I made this joke about it on Twitter:
Listening to the guys at MacBreak Weekly talk about the iSlate is like listening to fundamentalists describe how much Jesus loves them.
But that joke’s not right. It was actually more like listening to fundamentalists describe what heaven would be like when they died, specifying exactly how many ponies they’d each get, and giggling about what flavors the ice cream mountains would be.
I’m not taking issue with the fact that these bastards were speculating, or that any other blogger is; that’s what the Hype Department wants, after all, and if they failed to get enough people talking about the awe-inspiring device, Steve would have them each thrown off a roof. I’m taking issue with the goddamn tone: seriously, you don’t know anything yet, you fanboys, stop acting like you’re already using one. And stop thinking that Steve Jobs loves you. I mean, Sweet Jesus, Apple exists solely to make him the computers he personally wants to use; the fact that he sells them and changes the world in doing so is basically secondary to that. It’s accidental. Speculating on what he wants for you is useless; he doesn’t want to inspire love or kindness or good feelings. The reason there’s no physical keyboard on the iPhone is that Steve himself didn’t want one; in his mind, he is Apple’s only customer. Get it? He doesn’t care about you, it’s just that his taste in products is so unimaginably good that what he wants happens to be what the majority of the planet wants.
The man is so brilliant that he rebuilds industries by accident.
Stop prattling on about how Steve wants to improve the quality of your life and that he wants to make you happy; he doesn’t. I love the guy, and I want to have his babies, but he’s a goddamn sociopath, okay? Planet Steve has a population of one.
Brief aside to Alex Lindsay: When you’re predicting what people will do and where the industry will go, you keep forgetting that what you want isn’t what every other person wants. You seem to be operating under the premise that everyone has identical tastes to you, but that just isn’t the case. Who do you think you are, my close personal friend Steve Jobs? You don’t even wear mock turtlenecks every single day without exception!
While we’re on the subject of fanboys acting like pubescent girls, Lance Ulanoff, Editor in Chief of PC Magazine, recently wrote an article titled “10 Things I’d Do With My Apple Tablet,” in which he lists ten staggeringly inane things he’d like to do with his iSlate. He left out the main thing that everyone apparently wants to do with the device, presumably because PC Magazine is something a kid might buy, and he’s got to keep it PG-13.
Spoiler alert: What he really wants to do is fuck it.
Hey, Lance, the first sentence of your post is wrong:
The time for speculation is over.
No, it isn’t. Clearly. The time for speculation over the existence of the media event to announce the iSlate is over, but most of you still don’t have any privileged information about what the Goddamn thing will be. So shut up.
Now, credit where credit is due, Lance does put a disclaimer in his article that he has no privileged information about the tablet, which is far more than a lot of people are doing. So, limited kudos, Lance. But the majority of his post is written in this breathless style that makes me picture Lance laying on his bed, ankles locked, curlers in his hair (I suppose he’d need to be wearing a wig for that particular goddamn visual to work, but whatever), doing his nails while fantasizing about how great his life is going to be once he becomes Ms. iSlate, as he is being looked down upon by Twilight posters and pages from Tiger Beat magazine taped to his wall.
I envision my Tablet sitting on the coffee table next to my couch. I’ll pick it up when the mood strikes me and tweet on Twitter or update my Facebook status.
And we’ll name our first son Tyler, and our second son Dwayne, and if we have a girl we’ll name her Steve Jobs!
But I’m not just picking on MacBreak Weekly and Lance Ulanoff; I’m also picking on The Apple Blog, which is running “7 For 7” right now, which is:
This is the first in a series of 7 posts in the 7 days prior to Apple’s January 27 media event in which I explore various possibilities for an Apple Tablet and other potential announcements.
The writer of this series says he has a unique perspective on Apple’s tablet because he briefly considered making a tablet computer, then didn’t. Because, you know, that looks fantastic on the resume. Jackass.
I’m also picking on The Unofficial Apple Weblog, who’s spent a surprising amount of time dissecting the spray patterns of the paint on the event invitation for the 27th, as though, I suppose, if you use the right combination of filters in Photoshop, will magically reveal a product shot and spec sheet of the iSlate. And bigfoot, too!
In short, I’m picking on all of you idiots who, as Techcrunch put it, are writing fanfiction. Stop it, for crap’s sake.
Also, shut up.