Home > Apple, Videos > It’s the first hands-on review of the Apple Tablet!

It’s the first hands-on review of the Apple Tablet!

NOTE: This review not to be released until January 28.


Fire. The wheel. Barbers. The moveable printing press. Whiskey. The automobile. The personal computer. Walt Mossberg.

The iPhone. And now, finally, the iSlate.

We refer to the time before Jesus came to earth as fundamentally different from the time after, and today, after my close, personal friend Steve Jobs’ beautiful keynote in which he gave the world the iSlate, we have reached another fundamental shift in our perception of time, and of the world around us.Welcome to the first day of the new era, my friends.I’ve been lucky enough to have access to this wondrous device for some time now, I’ve had a multitude of prototypes over the past few years, and I use it every day, but it still feels so startlingly good to hold on to. Ohhhhhhh, it’s like a brushed-aluminium orgasm.

Ordinarily in my reviews I go on and on about specifics, or features, or some crap like that, but with the iSlate, I just can’t. It’s goddamn magical. It’s got internet connectivity, somehow, but I never gave it my wifi password and I didn’t have to sign up for any 3G account. I’m just online, and it’s the fastest browsing experience I’ve ever had in my life. Also, there are two cameras on this thing, one facing me, one facing away, but I can’t see them. Can you see them? I have no idea where the cameras are on this thing, but they’re here, and they work amazingly! It’s magic!

The iSlate runs a greatly enhanced version of the iPhone OS, which is a crippled version of Mac OS X, and it’s gorgeous. I mean, just look at this! The home screen has been completely retooled, and it’s breathtaking: the time shows larger, there’s the temperature, there, information on media you’re consuming, recent messages from your contacts … there’s even a space where you can put your own custom photo. It’s amazing!

I’d list all of the ways the applications from the iPhone have been upgraded for this magnificent device, and all of the new apps that have been added, but doing so would leave you exhausted and spent, and you need to have enough energy to go out and buy the device as soon as you’re able.

Multitouch on the iSlate is a revelation. You were all expecting improvements over the way the iPhone works, but this … this is nearly too much for an old man’s heart to handle. There’s now a complicated vocabulary of gestures to control the device with; you can shake things at it, scoop, it recognizes other objects near itself, so you can pretend you’re a less idiotic Tom Cruise from Minority Report. Also, the entire case of the device is touch sensitive, just like the magic mouse, which means you can control it on the back. Check it out, I’m sending an e-mail to my close personal friend Steve Jobs from the backend of the iSlate.

[Laughs giddily]

Oh, good lord, I love touching the backend of this thing.
Wait.

Anyway, this device is everything you’ve been waiting for, but so much more. There’s a sophisticated AI in here that knows which user is holding it, so if you hand it off to a family member, it switches user accounts AND starts making them coffee. There’s even a button in one of the menus that if you press it — I have no idea how this works — a unicorn comes to your door with your favorite kind of pizza. It’s incredible. There’s not even a power button ANYWHERE on the device; it just senses your intent and turns itself on when it thinks you want to use it. Also it’s got, like, voice control, and the interface of every app actually reshapes itself to what it thinks you’re going to ask it to do, and then does it! And you know what? It’s never wrong!

[Gets distracted for a moment, marveling over how wonderful it is, muttering to himself. Sounds like he’s seducing it. Catches himself after a moment or two]

Here’s a protip: If you rub the iSlate all over your body, it feels so Goooooood!
Oh, man, I could go on and on about this device — and I’m sure I will, for years — but in closing let me say that you need to buy this thing, right now. Buy five. Put one in every pair of pants that you own. This is insanely good; it’s probably the first completely perfect product that’s ever existed.

Thank you, Steve Jobs, for giving this to the world. I … I love you, Steve. You complete me, and every time I touch the iSlate, up here [gestures to his head] I’m touching you.

This has been Walt Mossberg; shut up!

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  1. Glenn Fleishman
    January 24, 2010 at 8:41 pm

    You drunken hack, you wrote, “moveable printing press.” Geesus, christ, Waltpuppet, do you even KNOW what Gutenberg created? You slept with him, for god’s sake, back when the two of you were in college,

    He invented properly spelled movable type. The printing press moves? Fuck yes.

    You credulous hack. Go Bembo yourself.

    • January 24, 2010 at 9:06 pm

      Glenn, you’re missing the big picture: it’s the goddamn iSlate!

  2. January 25, 2010 at 1:45 am

    You broke your NDA – you’ll never get an Apple product to review months ahead of the other hacks ever again. They might even start buddying up to Gruber. Egads, even the thought of that made me vomit in my mouth.

  3. LS
    January 25, 2010 at 9:28 am

    Thank you! I’ve just pre-ordered 16, one for every corner of every room in my house, so I never have to be more than 8 feet away from my ipersonality.

    A question – Can I read books on the iSlate? If so, will it turn the pages as I think about turning the pages, or will I have to slump slightly to the left or right to turn the page?

    One more question – can I put my three iPhones and two iTouches and old model iPods in a room with my iSlates together, will they get along? Is there any chance they might breed?

    I’m hoping so…

  4. Not
    January 25, 2010 at 7:38 pm

    not particularly funny

  5. January 26, 2010 at 3:09 am

    Oh, iCanvas is making me so hot I start actually believing in the climate change, if not for the fact that steveliness saved us all from drowning in rising oceans. Oh, and I touched myself with a Apple Tablet just to be closer to Him. I love you Steve, your tablet feels better than Cyberskin!

  6. DarkElfa
    January 26, 2010 at 10:06 am

    Completely Epic Moss, excellent review.

  7. Ceejay
    January 26, 2010 at 2:31 pm

    You got a nice little shoutout on Engadget. Not that they know anything.

  8. TopTopEliteAppStoreDev
    January 26, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    “I love touching the back of this thing. Tee heee. huh. huhaa. Wait! ”

    EPIC.

  9. January 27, 2010 at 12:03 am

    apart from the unicorn, and the self awareness bits…the rest is actually, slightly, nearly, a possibility đŸ™‚

  10. g200
    January 27, 2010 at 12:21 am

    stupid

  11. January 27, 2010 at 12:39 am

    you are a good man, keep writing
    http://mobil88.wordpress.com

  12. January 27, 2010 at 6:52 am

    Thank you for this great video. You make my day!
    Now I can relaxe and wait until Steve presents this gift to mankind too.

  13. March 13, 2010 at 12:32 pm

    “[Laughs giddily]

    Oh, good lord, I love touching the backend of this thing.
    Wait.”

    I don’t care what everyone’s ranting about. That made me LOL for the first time in t a LONG time. Good review though, nice to see a bit of humour rather than the usual tech reviewers who tend to take themselves a bit too seriously.

  14. May 18, 2010 at 7:38 am

    haha awesome review thats how it should be presented !!!

  15. May 23, 2010 at 4:46 pm

    hahha… this made me LOL!! great review!!

  16. June 5, 2010 at 5:26 pm

    Very funny it gave me a laugh, nice review.

    Thanks Katie

  17. July 18, 2010 at 3:53 am

    I couldn’t stop laughing! Thanks for the awesome share đŸ˜€

  18. January 25, 2011 at 1:10 pm

    *.” I am really thankful to this topic because it really gives up to date information ‘*;

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