Home > Apple, Idiots > Several reasons why the iPad is amazing.

Several reasons why the iPad is amazing.

Yesterday was the day my close, personal friend Steve Jobs unveiled the iPad to the world. Actually, ‘unveiled’ is such a cold word; let’s say he gave it to the world. Benevolently. Like some kind of technological Santa Claus who, unlike the real Santa Claus, actually watches his goddamn weight. Anyway, the iPad is here, and as a quick look through my previous posts on the matter will show you, I was right about everything. Some of you have been quibbling with me over the fact that in my review of the device, I called it the iSlate. That’s true, but my device was called the iSlate. As I described on the Mac|Live podcast yesterday, this was a beautiful example of Apple screwing with the press, and the tech industry as a whole: they started calling it the slate so that everyone else would pre-emptively start calling their “tablets”slates, so Apple could come out swinging with the new name, catching everyone off-guard. Boom, bitches! But my prototype tablets, being older than the last minute name change, was actually called the iSlate; it had the name written on it, and everything. So I was right.

I realize there are some nay-sayers out there who’ve just gotten home from their frontal-lobotomy and are still adjusting to lacking a significant portion of their brains and are still on massive painkillers and can’t think correctly, and who say that the iPad is just a big iPhone, and not a big deal. Well, those people are crapdamn idiots, they’re wrong, and here’s why:

iPad is a phenomenal name.

It’s a logical extension of the “i” naming system Apple’s been brilliantly running into the ground over these past years like some sort of plow with fantastic industrial design. iPad sounds like iPod, but it’s different. By one character. And you know what, crapcakes? One character may be a small difference, but small things matter, okay? Just ask my wife, who’s only 2 feet tall but still says my junk is too tiny. (I don’t think this is a problem for a marriage counselor, dear)

The iPad isn’t a big iPhone touch.

People are complaining that the iPad is just a big iPhone, that it’s not so much revolutionary as it is a blatant cash grab, but you know what? Those people are wrong: the iPad isn’t a big iPhone, it’s a big iPod Touch. For that comparison to work, the iPad would have to be able to do more, like take pictures and movies, and make phone calls. The iPad actually does less than the iPhone. Apple wins again, craptards.

The iPad offers a fundamentally new way to surf the web.

Just like Steve said during his keynote (which, I don’t have to tell you, had me rushing for fresh pants every three to five minutes), the iPad revolutionizes the way we see the web. Before we could see it on our desktops, our laptops, our netbooks, our tablets (if we were suckers and bought one of those PC tablets), our phones, or on our TVs. There was basically no way to see the web that worked at all. I, for one, had never ever seen an entire web page at once, but now I can. I wasn’t able to actually scroll through a web page and find content to read, but now I can. Before, in the time PT (we’re now in AT, in case you don’t get the dating system I’m going for), if I wanted to see the full web, I was basically screwed; there was no device I could sit with, could hold in my hand or put on my lap that would allow me to view the web on a small screen, to sit comfortably with. Sure, I suppose you could jam some sort of small portable computer on your lap, but what would you even call such a superfluous device? Why would you even bother? Or you could use your phone to do it, but has a portable device ever even had a decent web browser on it before yesterday? I think that if you think about it, you’ll find that the answer is no. Shut up.

Now, though, in the year 1 PT (yesterday was New Year’s, and I hope everyone had a nice drinkey-poo to celebrate! I did, even though my wife was looking at me like some kind of sour-faced midget when I opened the third bottle), I’m able to sit with a small portable device that connects to the internet. For the first time ever I’m able to hold the internet in my hand — what a great tagline, Steve! — and I can use a multitouch input to slide around the page, to zoom in and out. It’s incredible. Before the iPad, none of these capabilities existed in any form. This device is a breath of fresh air.

My hat goes off to you, Steve. Your ability to change games so continuously astounds me.

If you’re let down by this thing, shut up.

There are a number of people who are saying they’re let down by the iPad because it’s just a big iPod Touch. To those people I say: shut up, crapballs. Prior to yesterday, Apple hadn’t said anything publicly about the device at all. All of the hype was generated by the media, by the tech industry, and by consumers eager for that one more thing that my close, personal friend Steve Jobs is so famous for unveiling. Well, we got that one more thing, and it’s fantastic. It’s new. It’s bold. It’s unlike anything that’s ever existed before. It’s phenomenal, and if you can’t see that, if you’re comparing this magical device to something that couldn’t possibly have existed because it only existed in the minds of whacked-out bloggers looking for ways to earn more on Google AdSense, well, that’s just crazy. You’re just crazy.

Seriously, you should think about finding someone to help you out because of how goddamn crazy you are, Mr. Crazy Crazington.

Look, if the rumors said that Apple was going to release a machine that violated the second law of thermodynamics (look it up!), and then instead announced a processor upgrade to the MacBook Pro, would that be a letdown? Some would say yes, but those people suck, like Michael Arrrrrrrington or Steve Balllllmer. Most people would realize that a device that violates the second law of thermodynamics would be impossible, and Apple could hardly be blamed for failing to rewrite the basic laws of the universe, right? So it is with the various iPad rumors; the hypothetical device that people kept talking about for these past months — these past years — that was different from what had come before, that was more than just a larger iPod Touch and was a full-featured computer full of innovation, that took advantage of all those fever-dream patents that Apple has applied for over the years, that would have let us interact with the thing in ways that defy description sounded pretty cool, but it couldn’t have existed, and the iPad shouldn’t be judged against that non-existent piece of ambrosia.

Steve Jobs has given us the greatest possible device that can exist in this universe, and for that I say thank you. Four stars!

Shut up.

  1. January 28, 2010 at 9:50 am

    “Actually, ‘unveiled’ is such a cold world” shouldn’t that say word!

    SHUT UP!

  2. Caffe
    January 28, 2010 at 10:30 am

    “Actually, ‘unveiled’ is such a cold world; let’s say he gave it to the world.”

  3. January 28, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    I have fixed the typo, you grammatically-correct bastards.

  4. Caffe
    January 28, 2010 at 2:23 pm

    You’re a good man, and… it’s just spelling.

  5. Faber
    January 28, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    So … is that 4 stars out of 3?

  6. Jan
    January 31, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    Haha… Yes he truly gave it to the world. Mosspuppet, I love your posts!

  7. iPad owner
    April 29, 2010 at 10:20 pm

    Well I happen to have an iPad and it’s beautiful!! The web looks so different because you can actually touch it!! I love it!

  8. June 19, 2010 at 6:49 pm

    Great post- I have recently written up a post on how the iPad is revolutionary, but not in the way you think. Definitely worth checking out, as you may come to appreciate your device in a whole new light- http://appjudge.wordpress.com/2010/06/15/revolutionipad/

  1. February 12, 2010 at 5:51 pm

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