Home > Apple, Videos > My interview with Steve Jobs!

My interview with Steve Jobs!

M: I’m Walt Mossberg; shut up.

[Intro]

M: So, Steve Jobs, you just announced the fantastic iPad, to universal acclaim. Congratulations. How did you create such a game-changing device?

S: We spent ten years working on something really special, then after we made the iPhone, we decided to just make that bigger.

M: Breathtaking! It’s so revolutionary!

S: No it isn’t. We literally took the existing iPod touch, put in a faster processor and a bigger screen, and that’s it. Okay? It is just a smartphone without the phone. But that doesn’t matter, because no matter what we do, you assholes’ll buy it.

M: Well, we do have extra money, Steve. And I would love to give it to you.

S: Jesus, you see? For the last decade I’ve been fucking with you more and more to see if you notice, but none of you have. I stand on stage and say “this is really really really great?” and you think that’s informative? What the hell’s wrong with you?

M: My wife tells me that my problem is that my penis is too small.

S: I have no problem believing that.

M: What do you have to say to people who don’t think this is worth the money?

S: I could literally crap in my hand right now and you’d call it revolutionary. Right?

M: Well, sure. Nobody’s ever crapped in their hand before.

S: This is what I’m saying. So why waste the R&D money?

M: When are people supposed to use the iPad?

S: When you want to read books, watch videos, or surf the web. Or use applications.

M: Should we still use the iPhone to do those things, too?

S: No, just the iPad.

M: So we don’t need to buy the iPhone anymore?

S: No, you buy both. Obviously. Are you stupid?

M: I’m just confused.

S: Okay, I will pretend my IQ is as low as yours and speak so you can understand. You’ve already bought the iPhone; that purchase is in the past, and I already have the money. So I don’t care about it. You buy the iPad NOW, and use it for 95% of the things you currently use the iPhone for. Get it? It’s an upgrade, but you have to keep the previous product, and you need to keep paying the seventy dollars a month for the iPhone service, plus the thirty for the iPad’s 3G. Or I’ll fucking cut you.

M: Sounds good! Apple’s renowned for the way it develops the sell of its products. It’s not just a music player, it’s “10,000 songs in your pocket.” Things like that. How did you package the iPad, and determine the sales pitch for it?

S: We say “It’s the ultimate web browsing experience,” but that’s an obvious crock of shit; it’s got no flash, no java, no plugin architecture at all. The browsing experience is designed to get people to find all these missing pieces in what they’re used to daily, then be ushered to the app store, where they can pay for what they previously got for free. But “ultimate” sounds better than “give us your credit card numbers, you idiots,” right? Lookit, you literally can’t search for text within a page in our browser, but I stand there on stage and say “this is the best thing ever” and everybody repeats the talking points as though they’re accurate in any way, or like I’m leading a fucking guided meditation. You’re like highly trained dogs. It’s pathetic. I think the only advantage you have over an actual trained dog is that you use the toilet.

M: I’m wearing Depends!

S: I can not describe my contempt for your entire industry, Milt.

M: Great! I am having a blast talking to you today, but I know you’re busy, so I’ll close with this question: will you autograph my chest?

S: No.

M: My scrotum?

S: Frigtard.

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  1. jumping jahosuphat
    February 2, 2010 at 2:03 pm

    I LOVE YOU WALT MOSSPUPPET!!!

  2. February 8, 2010 at 1:54 am

    Yeah…send this one to Steve…I am sure he will sure have a blast…Lolzzz

  3. April 5, 2010 at 9:57 am

    Dude!

    Even though I do like the iPad, your site is great! I think you capture the hype very well.

    Keep it up….

  4. August 4, 2010 at 4:12 pm

    Hahahahaha Loool realy nice :DD

  5. November 10, 2011 at 9:15 am

    I know, I know, it’s getting to have been a while since his passing, but this little video for some reason made me feel I “got” Jobs in a way I had not before.

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