Home > Apple, Idiots > Opera browser for iPhone announced, will never be released.

Opera browser for iPhone announced, will never be released.

It’s so cute that the makers of the totally decent but staggeringly unpopular Opera browser have made a version for the iPhone, which they’ll be supposedly be demoing at the Mobile World Congress on the 15th in Barcelona.

Promising to be “fast, easy to use, and packed with favorite Opera features”, the browser will reportedly come with tabs and Speed Dial.

Jon von Tetzchner, Opera’s Co-founder said, “We have not submitted it yet to the Apple App Store. However, we hope that Apple will not deny their users a choice in Web browsing experience,” said Jon von Tetzchner, co-founder of Opera.

“We have not submitted it yet?” Are you going to, Jon? Why would you do that? It’s bad enough that they already got their developers’ hopes up and made them waste so much time on the app, but do they really want to go through the public humiliation of being rejected from the app store? Jon, you have to know that the only way “Opera” makes it onto the iPhone is if it’s just a skinned version of Safari, because as we all know, the ultimate web browsing experience doesn’t allow for browser options, right? No, it doesn’t: it’s Safari or Shut Up.

Some of you might want to send me a snarky-ass note about the article I linked to, saying “The Mercury browser says it’s a replacement for Safari, so it must be a whole new browser you’re mean waaaaah!” but don’t, because you’re wrong. If Mercury is a whole new browser, I’ll eat my hat.

Here’s a tip for you, jackasses: in the iPhone SDK you can drop the browser into your app. Which means you can pretend you’ve made a new browser in a way that Apple is totally happy with. Which means that all of the “other” browsers in the App Store are really just Safari in an ugly new dress. Get it?

Seriously, look at some of the Mercury screenshots and tell me that doesn’t look like the standard crappy interface a person does when they’re just hacking something together. And you mean to tell me that the people who made that were able to somehow, with a staff of one or two people and a handful of Pizza Pockets, create a full, feature-rich browser with nobody hearing about it? A modern browser is a massive undertaking. I call shenanigans on this being anything other than a cute little skin of the browser. Probably each “tab” in the thing is really just a new goddamn instance of the Safari browser itself; this would explain why most of the reviews I saw just now highlighted the app’s bugginess and slow speed.

So most likely (by which I mean that it is absolutely certain) that Apple has not reversed its sensible embargo on non-Safari browsers, which means that Opera is boned.

It’s a cute idea, Jon, and the people who use Opera really like it, but you’re like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, and you know what? Eventually Sisyphus got a kink in his leg, fell down, and the boulder squished his brains all over the mountainside.

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