EXCLUSIVE! Early Draft of Steve Jobs’ WWDC Keynote!
Because I’m the kingmaker, I have access to all sorts of amazing things, which my many, many NDAs stop me from telling you about but which don’t keep me from enjoying, and by God, I do.
One of the amazing things I can tell you about is this exclusive excerpt from an early draft of my close, personal friend Steve Jobs’ recent WWDC keynote. As you can see, it’s a pretty drastic change from what he actually said. Why the change of heart? You can give credit to a young man named Walt Sassafras Mossberg.
You’re welcome, humanity.
I know there’s been a lot of talk about our next iPhone, with interest at a fever pitch, page-view-desperate bloggers acting like the slightest confirmation that we’re actually working on an updated version of the most popular product we’ve ever made is some kind of fucking revelation, and people drooling over our every doing SO MUCH that pretend-journalist Nick Denton personally beat one of our engineers to within an inch of his life, while said engineer was on his way to lead a choir of thirty-seven orphans in a rendition of “Nearer My God To Thee” in a church and stole a prototype of the new phone out of his bloodied hands.
So what are we talking about? We’re talking about that phone you have now, that isn’t the new iPhone, that piece of junk, that dreck, that toilet paper you hold to your head and pretend to make calls with? You’re looking to me to end your misery by formally announcing the new phone? Well, here it is: is the iPhone HD. To you, it’s gold, but you can’t have it. Why? Because giving it to you after Gizmodo spoiled this moment right now would be just throwing it away. We’re not releasing it.
So what do I do, right? You all know that there aren’t any more iPhone 3Gs in stock anywhere; we stopped making them, because the 3GS becomes the new entry-level model, and the HD is the new top of the line. Or would be, if I was releasing it today, which I’m not, because Gizmodo fucked me over and ruined my reveal, and I’m a petty man who’s going to fuck over every single human being on the planet just to make a point. But make no mistake, this is all Gizmodo’s fault, not mine, because they knew what my reaction would be if they showed people the phone before I did. Fucking Nick Denton. Fucking Brian Lam. Fucking guy whose name I purposely forgot who was in their review video. They leave me with only one option:
The iPhone 3GS is now available for $99. Starting today, it’s our entry-level model, the one for poor people and idiots who don’t know how to open their fucking wallets properly.
The iPhone HD is available, starting today, for $199. But it’s, really, it’s just the iPhone 3GS with a sticker on the back that says “HD”. And I mean that literally, too, we actually just stuck a sticker on the back of the 3GS and are pretending it’s new phone. It’s the most insulting thing we could come up with, and millions of you assholes will eat it up like warm dogshit, acting like it’s some genius statement we’re making, convincing yourself a sticker is worth $100 and another year of slavery to AT&T, who, by the way, can kiss my pristine liver for all this tethering bullshit.
So, iPhone HD. Before I run through a demo of the phone, which is 100% pointless because you all already have this device in your pocket, right now, but for which you’ll still clap until your hands bleed because you’re brain-dead monkeys, I want you to take a moment to prepare yourself for the blog posts being written right now to justify what would be a company-ending decision if it were being made by anyone other than me and pretend it’s a good thing. John Gruber’s going to write 3,000 words on how this highlights the perfection of the 3GS and the lack of a need for the HD, and how the sticker somehow actually makes a difference in the reception he gets, I guaran-fucking-tee you.
I hate everyone in this room.