Ive is headed for a “magical” retirement.

Apple’s announced a press-conference on Friday, related to the  whole totally non-existent iPhone 4 fracas. This is what’s going to happen:

• iOS 4.1 formally announced, deflecting non-existent iPhone 4 issues;
• iOS 4.0.1 released, which fixes the bar display issues, deflecting non-existent iPhone 4 issues;
• iPhone 4 bumper price raised to $49, because fuck all you haters;
• Jonathan Ive will fall on his sword, announcing that he’s designed the best product ever, and will be retiring from Apple.

You know it’s true.