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Posts Tagged ‘porn’

Google Correlates a Giant Penis

September 2, 2011 Leave a comment

A friend sent me a link to a cool new Search by Drawing tool in Google Correlate, which lets you draw a distribution curve for something happening over time, and will then find search results that match that curve.

Being a totally straight white male, the first thing I did with this tool was draw a cock and balls. Lo and behold, it worked! The blue in this picture is my drawing, the red jagged line is Michael Arrington’s angry penis the distribution curve it returned:

Pretty cool, right? Nothing remarkable, right? Wrong, you bastards! Wrong! One of the first search results Google says matches this distribution curve is for “bj sandwich.”

I’ll give you a moment to look at that link.

The first result Google returns for “bj sandwich” is for bjsandwich.com, the title of which is “BJ Sandwich – Two Girls Sandwich Cock Between Their Lips.” Says the site:

Come on in for a stunning blow job sandwich where these two hot girls sandwich a guys dick between their luscious lips.

Just to reiterate: the searches for blowjob sandwiches over time looks like a cock and balls, or, more generously, the two very girls engaged in a blowjob, and the very cock involved in it!

I may be sitting in my office alone, but I tell, you, man, my mind is being blown right now.

 

Apple’s Dynamic Tactile Keyboard is spectacular.

December 25, 2009 3 comments

Rumors are making the rounds right now about Apple’s upcoming tablet offering a dynamic tactile keyboard, and I can confirm that these rumors are 100% true. What this means is that you’ll be able to feel bumps and ridges on your screen. The Blackberry Storm tried implementing something like this in the past, but this is different, because instead of just letting the user click on a goddamn screen to pretend it’s a button, Apple’s screen actually does something, and since it’s being made by Apple, it’ll be awesome anyway.

The main use for this will be with keyboards; some damn communists are complaining about the fact that with a touch screen you can’t feel where the keys end intuitively, which makes typing a little harder. To that I’d say stop trying to type when you’re driving, idiots, but baby wants a bottle, and so Apple’s selling baby a bottle that baby will line up for for seventeen hours, while mommy’s at home earning diaper money on her knees.

I don’t know who mommy is in that example, but she’s a whore.

Anyway, this new dynamic tactile keyboard — which I’ve totally been using for months — lets you feel keys when they’re onscreen, and not feel them when they’re not. This is both simple, technically complicated, and sexually arousing. It means that developers can assign physical ridges to elements on screen. Think about it, people; you could be playing an air hockey game and feel it when you hit the puck. Or you could feel the boundaries in a maze game.

Also — I don’t want to blow any of Steve’s big content partner announcements when he releases the tablet to the world in January, so you didn’t hear this from me — porn on the Apple Tablet is amazing.