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Posts Tagged ‘review’

VIDEO: Review of the ioSafe Rugged Portable Hard Drive

May 13, 2011 1 comment

I put this rugged external hard drive through its paces, and it’s glorious! My review is, I mean; the drive’s pretty good, too.

My review of trying to turn the PlayBook on.

April 27, 2011 Leave a comment

So yesterday, having literally nothing else to do, I decided to check out RIM’s PlayBook. So I went to Futureshop to see if they had one out on display. They did. Actually, they had two, but despite the efforts of me and one honest-to-god software engineer, the device couldn’t be made to turn on. It was plugged into a power strip, which was turned on. Hitting the play/pause and volume buttons had no effect. Hitting the power button — when we were finally able to hit the power button — had no effect other than to make it go from completely off to off with a red status light. Hitting it again made it go to a blinking orange light. Hitting it again made it go to the red light. Hitting it again made it go to a blinking green light that was promising, but which ultimately did nothing at all.

Friends, let me tell you about the goddamn power button. Others have complained, I know, but their vitriol is nothing to mine. This power button, on the top of the device, is presumably made tiny and difficult to hit so that braindead enterprise users who haven’t yet had their third coffee of the day don’t hit it and start screaming “Wha happened?” again and again while spraying their Starbucks at nearby — and more intelligent — passers-by. The problem is that the button is, because of this goddamn design decision, nearly impossible to press.

It’s half the width of a pencil eraser, and COMPLETELY flush with the device. The PlayBook should come with a crapdamn pin just so you can turn it on and off. It’s ridiculous. Sure, nobody will accidentally turn the device off, but considering it’s apparently the only way to activate or deactivate the stupid screen, the reason no one will ever turn it off is because nobody will ever be able to get the thing turned ON. They’ll get tired and discouraged, and buy a tablet that’s actually designed to be used.

So the first PlayBook — which is, what, two days old? — simply wouldn’t turn on, with no visible indicator that it was even trying. That’s the impression of a solid piece of work, there, RIM. Way to go.

The second PlayBook had a screen that was active, but the Kobo app that was running, was — and I don’t use this term lightly — apparently having some sort of epileptic fit: the book reader software was constantly jiggling up and down as if some over-caffeinated brat-tard was trying to masturbate it, BUT NOBODY WAS TOUCHING THE SCREEN. And we couldn’t get it to exit the app. We had to restart the PlayBook, which took two attempts, involved a fair amount of scotch and swearing — POWER BUTTTOOOOOOONNN — and several minutes of waiting. Inexplicably, as this happened, some poor, masochistic bastard actually bought one of the 32GB models.

I’m assuming he hated himself, and wanted to make his death as slow and painful as possible.

Mission accomplished.

Finally the device came back up. The screen was nice, even though at this point anything smaller than the iPad seems, well, overly goddamn small. I like the idea of 7″ — IF ONLY — but now I’m used to the magically sized iPad.

So the PlayBook was on. The browser was fine, Youtube looked nice, and the videos played well, even though the tastes of whoever was foolhardy enough to try it before us was  terrible. I mean, seriously, soccer videos, you bastard?

Unlike the iPad, the bezel on the PlayBook is smart, which is to say that you swipe your fingers from the bezel to the screen in different ways, and it’ll do things like return to home, pull down the settings pane, and switch between tasks. In theory this is really a great idea, and if you know what you’re doing — I do, because I’m the Goddamn Walt Mosspuppet, shut up! — it’s a nice bit of functionality. But if you don’t know that’s a feature, if you’re just some Joe Schmuck a-hole who came into Futureshop to buy that season of Arrested Development that’s on clearance — like it should be, the stupid piece of crap — and you wander into the tablet aisle because gee, golly, look at them compuuuuters, you don’t know about the smart bezel, and you probably don’t know what the goddamn word bezel means, anyway. So you pick up the PlayBook, and, assuming you’re actually able to turn the screen on and don’t, I don’t know, give up to go home and cornhole a gopher, if you’re in an app, you’d have absolutely no idea how to get out of it. The device would seem crapping broken, and you’d walk over to the iPad, which has a glorious home button that always takes you back to the right place.

I realize this isn’t so much a review of the PlayBook as a whole as it is a review of the experience of trying to use the PlayBook, but considering how goddamn difficult it was to actually use it in any capacity, it seemed worth mentioning.

I’ll close with this final thought: whoever designed the PlayBook’s power button, and whoever let it get through QA without tossing acid in the designer’s face or on his scrotum, should both be forced to listen to Robert Scoble explain the totality of his knowledge about technology. It will only take three minutes, and it will be completely wrong, but I can’t think of anything more painful. Aside from trying to power on the PlayBook.

Shut up.

VIDEO: My review of Twilight: Eclipse

July 2, 2010 5 comments

VIDEO: Hands-on with iOS4!

June 22, 2010 2 comments

I am not surprised that the JooJoo sucks.

April 7, 2010 Leave a comment

Engadget has a big ol’ review of the crapcake that is the JooJoo. Arrrrrrrrington must be relieved at the bullet he dodged on this one; if his business partner hadn’t been a back-stabbing cromagnon*, it would be the crunchpad that would be currently sinking into the muck of oblivion.

Way to succeed by losing, Arrington.

Anyway, this is a nice summation of the interface of the JooJoo:

The user interface on the JooJoo can best be described as a Monet – very attractive from afar, but up close it’s just a mess.

I’d say that the 2nd-gen JooJoo might be better, and be a real iPad contender, but we all know that this capacitive bastard is taking Fusion Garage down with it.

* When I call Chandra a cromagon, I’m not insulting him; he really does look like a cromagnon. Look it up. It’s creepy.

Twitepad is making my eyes bleed.

March 29, 2010 13 comments

The Unofficial Apple Weblog has a “First look” at some piece of crap iPad app called Twitepad. Here’s the video:

Good lord, have the programmers of this — assuming they are programmers, and not just blind opossums — ever seen an Apple application? This is terrible! They’ve taken this beautiful device with its wonderful screen and turned it into a crap-filled wasteland. Serious, I feel like vomiting, both from my extreme disgust at the design of this application, and the nausea I’m feeling at watching that disembodied hand fly around the screen for 2 minutes. Mac software should have a sense of elegance and class to it, not look like remains on a sheet of toilet paper after a goddamn Chipotle binge.

Makers of Twitepad: Why do you hate Apple’s customers? Why do you hate humanity?

This supposed Twitter app has a Tweetdeck-esque column layout, but the majority of the functionality seems to be geared toward displaying website content. I’ve got news for you, you execrable hacks: there’s already a browser on the iPad. It’s called Mobile Safari, and unlike your effort, it doesn’t give me violent diarrhea when it loads.

They’ve made this Tweetdesk-esque layout, but rendered it so poorly that the text is basically illegible. Twitpic images appear in a browser window (rather than like in Tweetdeck, which just, you know, opens the goddamn image itself without requiring you to download a whole goddamn page), and for some reason these blind opossum programmers forgot that the iPad has a flyout virtual keyboard, so that when you want to actually type something, the keyboard sits over the content you’re responding to.

We need a Razzies but for crappy iPhone and iPad applications. If we had one, this would take first prize.

Kudos, you bastards. You finally found something scotch isn’t strong enough to make me forget. But I’m going to try like hell for the next 12 hours. Somebody better take my car keys away from me.

Shut up.

It’s the first hands-on review of the Apple Tablet!

January 24, 2010 72 comments

NOTE: This review not to be released until January 28.

Read more…