A Knee-jerk response to Showyou.

So I just loaded the new iOS app Showyou on my iPad. It’s basically Flipboard for video, in that it combs your facebook and twitter feeds for video links, then shows them to you in a single spot.

Anyway, Showyou. It’s nice enough, and it does what it says it does. It’s got two viewing modes: a grid-view, and a list view that for some reason only showed me two videos that Liz Gannes shared somewhere. I’m honestly not making either of those things up.

While the grid, with its differently-sized screenshots of the video, looks nice enough, it scrolls both vertically AND horizontally, such that you kind of just slide around aimlessly looking at videos. And when you scroll, it takes a second to update, and you get the checkerboard. Now, I may be an old man who’s currently drunk — that’s more than a little likely — but this is confusing. Scrolling around I have no idea if I’ve seen all there is to offer. Where the crap am I in this goddamn grid? I have no idea. Constraining the scrolling to a single axis would make it pretty and stop it from being confusing.

Regarding the list view, I’m assuming that’s supposed to be the less-fun-but-more-usable viewing mode, but honestly, it showed me links to two videos shared by Liz Gannes, and while I tried to scroll past, it wouldn’t show me anything more.

TechCrunch wrote about Showyou, and Scoble made the first comment, chastising Aaarrrrrington et al for not giving it more ink, or recognizing it’s “one of the most important new iPad apps.” Really, Scoble? One of the most important apps? Because it lets you look at links people are already sharing with you? What makes this important? Ever the self-promoter, Scoble links to his own blog, so that TechCrunch readers can see the proper technique for a blowjob — if your knees aren’t bleeding, you’re doing it wrong — where he goes on and on about the importance of AirPlay. Is AirPlay a big deal? No, not yet, because you need to have an Apple TV to get the full living-room experience, and most people don’t even know the thing exists. But he personally likes it, so he thinks it’ll be a huge success. Judging by many of his past comments, he actually thinks that his liking a thing will make it a huge success.

Scoble, you arrogant twat, most people aren’t like you. They don’t have twenty-seven boxes connected to their TV. They don’t want that. They’re still trying to get used to the goddamn magical intensity of the iPad that they’ve owned for a year. And since AirPlay isn’t yet open, it’s not going anywhere. If TVs themselves supported it, sure, but that system failed when it was called DLNA, and despite your incomprehensible assertion that it failed was because the iPad didn’t exist and didn’t support it, it failed because in general, not enough things had it, so you couldn’t reliably use the fucking thing, and so no user would get into the habit of using it, if they ever had the right combination of gear to use it in the first place.

I don’t know why I’m getting upset at Scoble. It’s not like he’s even remotely credible when it comes to technology: after all, this is the guy who, in his conversation about why AirPlay is so fantastic and will totally catch on, said:

RSS was NOT open, by the way. It was largely controlled first by Netscape and later by Dave Winer. It was a standard that was made popular by Dave Winer and his company UserLand. It became a defacto standard because everyone started using it. The same way people are already starting to adopt AirPlay (thanks Rob Mitchell for the Lifehacker links that demonstrate such).

Then added:

RSS is a de-facto standard that any developer can use. That doesn’t mean it’s open. Dave Winer controls it.

Of course, father of RSS Dave Winer stepped in and defended his honor, saying:

Scoble, RSS was and is completely open. Someone creates everything. Please.

Scoble did not respond to this.

Seriously, getting upset at his portrayal of technology is like criticizing the specifics of your infant child’s plans for a rocketship to Mars: Scoble thinks that a freely published spec for a text file isn’t open, and that Dave Winer is sitting in some goddamn castle somewhere, rubbing his fingers together cackling over all the control he has over it. And thinks that a proprietary piece of tech made by Apple is somehow more open an accessible than a free and clear spec for text files.

I could write down all of Scoble’s technical expertise on a single sheet of paper, then be able to use the entire paper to write something worthwhile, because it would still be blank.

Shut up.

If Apple sold more iPhone models…

You hear all over the place, when people point out that Android is outselling the iPhone, a raucous “But you’re comparing a whole range of Android phones to One. Single. iPhone!”

First of all, no they aren’t: there’s more than one model of iPhone.

That said, it sure feels like there’s only one model of iPhone. My close, personal friend Steve Jobs sells everyone the singular phone style with the singular design that he personally wants, because he likes simplicity, and as the head of the company, why wouldn’t he make what he would prefer to use? Anyway, the heart of this argument is quite simple, quite wrong, and quite American-centric. Jerks says this:

“You’re comparing the sales of a bunch of phones on multiple carriers to one phone on one carrier!”

First of all, the iPhone is available on multiple carriers in a given country all over the world, so this bullcrap about iPhone being held back globally because it’s on one carrier in the US is idiotic at best, and insulting to everyone who isn’t a goddamn American, which, spoiler alert, is most of the planet.

Second, you’re comparing one company’s offering to another company’s offering. Do people making this argument really think that if Google put out only a single phone, like Apple does, that they’d sell a small amount? Crap no, they’d sell more of that one phone because there’s only one phone to choose from! Similarly, if Steve decided to release phones in different form factors, he wouldn’t triple or quadruple sales of iPhones; he’d simply be reducing the number of sales per phone, because he’d be dividing his customer base across multiple phones, which Android is doing.

Sure, there’d be some crapping reduction if Android was only on one phone, and some increase if Apple made more than one style of iPhone, but that’d be those few who would get an iPhone because it finally has a hardware keyboard, or who wouldn’t get an Android because it doesn’t have a hardware keyboard. But the effect on sales would be minimal.

The single-product thing that Steve does makes it look like a single phone is some unstoppable juggernaut, but that’s just a matter of perception; the platform is an unstoppable juggernaut, and “journalists” who fail to make that distinctions are idiots who should shut up.

TechCrunch STILL masturbating to Verizon iPhone rumors.

Rather than being so terribly goddamn mean to you all as to expect you to read this article by Steve Cheney about how no, seriously, you guys, the iPhone is coming to Verizon in January, I will instead summarize it for you:

No one believes the Verizon iPhone rumors anymore because they’re dumb. I’ve got a Verizon iPhone rumor, too! You should believe it because even though I state in my opening paragraph that people don’t believe the rumors any more because of how old and how consistently wrong they’ve been, this time it’s TOTALLY different, because I’m speculating! None of the other rumor-spreading people speculated before; they just made baseless guesses. They didn’t speculate like me!

VIDEO: Dear MG Siegler

VIDEO: My Offer to Buy TechCrunch

Facebook’s trying to take over the internet?

In a TechCrunch post yesterday about the implications of Facebook’s new internet-wide “Like” system, MG Seigler nails it:

Facebook’s intentions very clear: they want to be the fabric of the web.

I’m about to soil my beautiful track suit (lucky for me it’s already brown!). Didn’t I say just yesterday that Zuckerberg was a menace? If I didn’t say it explicitly, let me say it now: Mark Zuckerberg is a pimply-faced menace, the little bastard.

I’m not going to take this lying down, because my close, personal friend Steve Jobs is in the process of trying to destroy the internet because it’s open, and open is bad. Closed applications on the iTunes store are good. Do you know what side of that particular fence Zuckerman is on? That’s right: he’s on the bad side, and if Steve says the net has to go down, then it has to go down, which means that Mike Zuckerman must be stopped!

Shut up.

1 million losers to join Facebook today.

There some fascinating stats coming out of Facebook’s f8 conference (techcrunch has a bunch of coverage). For example, did you know that Mark Zuckerberg’s penis is only 1″ long? And that he sleeps upside down in a jar of his own urine? And that he masturbates himself to sleep every night looking at pictures of Bill Gates? It’s possibly true!

I am not surprised that the JooJoo sucks.

Engadget has a big ol’ review of the crapcake that is the JooJoo. Arrrrrrrrington must be relieved at the bullet he dodged on this one; if his business partner hadn’t been a back-stabbing cromagnon*, it would be the crunchpad that would be currently sinking into the muck of oblivion.

Way to succeed by losing, Arrington.

Anyway, this is a nice summation of the interface of the JooJoo:

The user interface on the JooJoo can best be described as a Monet – very attractive from afar, but up close it’s just a mess.

I’d say that the 2nd-gen JooJoo might be better, and be a real iPad contender, but we all know that this capacitive bastard is taking Fusion Garage down with it.

* When I call Chandra a cromagon, I’m not insulting him; he really does look like a cromagnon. Look it up. It’s creepy.

The JooJoo’s actually shipping? Seriously?

It’s rare that I have cause to admit to being wrong, other than about my wife who I hate (please don’t tell my wife I hate her), but I have to do it today. I never imagined that the CrunchPad/JooJoo/Dumbestnameimaginable would ever see the light of day. But according to Engadget, the bastards are actually shipping! Crazy, right?

SINGAPORE, March 25, 2010 – Fusion Garage announced that its category-creating joojoo Internet tablet has begun shipping from the factory today. joojoo devices are now on their way to U.S. customers who pre-ordered them. Devices should be received by Monday, March 29.

New joojoo orders can be placed at https://thejoojoo.com/store at a cost of $499 USD.

I wonder if Arrington ordered any.

Techcrunchterngate

I’m Walt Mossberg. Shut up.

Last week Michael Arrrrington, head of TechCrunch, issued a public apology on his blog because one of his interns had attempted to extort a poor, defenceless dotcom company who just didn’t know any better by offering to write a positive review of them in exchange for a MacBook Air. Arrington went on to say that this wasn’t the first time the kid had tried this tactic, and they imagined that he’d been successful in the past.

Arrington didn’t reveal the kid’s name, because he was under 18, but the kid outed himself in a pathetic non-apology on his adorable little blog. The intern was Daniel Brusilovsky, 17-year old wunderkid and founder of the Teens in Tech conference, which I’m sure wasn’t an awkward place to be at all, since it happened the day after all this went down.

Are you THAT Daniel Brusilovsky?

Shut up, you guys!

At first blush, it looks like Arrington did the right thing: he fessed up to a problem in his shop, he deleted all of the little bastard’s posts, and he fired him. But was it really so honourable? I don’t know. For one thing, TechCrunch’s stock in trade is not just covering tech companies but uncovering the asshattery of such companies, and if someone else exposed TechCrunch’s problems, well, that’d be hideously embarrrrrasssing for Arrrrington, wouldn’t it? Even if Arrington really believed what he wrote, which I think he did, it was still a defensive move, not some goddamn noble thing to be applauded.

I do find it funny that Daniel, the punk kid, learned how to lie during his internship for a cutthroat tech blog run by a lawyer. I don’t think Arrington had anything to do with creating this particular situation, but I find that detail to be titillating. And you know what? I like it when I’m titillated.

But Michael Arrrrrington isn’t the real bad guy in this situation, it’s Daniel Brusilovsky. Just who is this little bastard? According to Arrington, Scoble, and host of other middle-aged white men who no doubt have their fingers on the very pulse of the global youth culture, he was the next generation of tech writer. He was a star, he was a genius, some sort of savant when it comes to the web. I tell you, when I hear 40-year olds talk about a 17-year old in those terms, it makes me wonder if they actually understand what they’re supposed to be experts in.

Here this kid had a brass ring and he blew it because of greed. I’m sure he was precocious and had some level of insight into tech — if he hadn’t, Arrington wouldn’t have let him write feature articles, unless he wasn’t good on an absolute scale, only good for a 17-year-old —

I’m good for a 127-year old, Arrington, give me a paycheque and some prunes!

— and the kid was told again and again how amazing he was, without the age or experience to temper such smoke in the assery, and who knows, maybe started to believe it. Maybe because this kid was bumped to the head of the line by being able to write for the most influential tech blog in the world that he was really worth it, and that he was worth other things, like free computers, free hookers, and free cocaine.

Disclosure: I don’t know if Daniel Brusilovsky asked any companies for hookers and cocaine. That’s just what I’d have asked for.

So Daniel extorts a company, succeeds, then starts asking for more things, maybe. Eventually he asks for a MacBook Air from some hapless CEO, and rather than pay up, said CEO calls Arrington, and the kid gets busted. So then what happens? The little genetic smear posts a pathetic non-apology on his blog in a post titled “The Line Was Crossed.” This is how he starts his supposed apology:

In some way or another, a line was crossed that should have never been.

No, you little bastard, YOU crossed a line, in a very specific way. You did. Take ownership of what you did, don’t act like it was something that happened to you, that you were helpless to stop.

Then after issuing an empty apology devoid of any specifics whatsoever about what he was apologizing for, Daniel says:

This is the first day of the next learning stage for me. Yes, I am young, but from here, I can only learn more. To my family, friends, colleagues and especially, TechCrunch, I am sorry. I am taking this entire experience, learning and moving on.

The kid was an internet savant because he knew how to google for insincere apologies delivered by contrite politicians? Seriously, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that exact apology, nearly word-for-word, come out of the mouths of senators caught having sex with transvestite Thai hookers in the oval office, while doped to the gills on Mescalin. His apology reads like he’s admitting to an opportunity instead of a transgression, like by acknowledging what he did without any goddamn remorse he’s actually accepting a promotion! It’s sickening.

Also, what kind of an idiot wastes a bribe on a single MacBook Air? I don’t mean to suggest it isn’t an amazing product — everything Apple makes is perfect — but if you’re going to go for a bribe, why not go for something bigger, like hookers and cocaine? Daniel had already extorted other companies, and a laptop seems like the kind of thing you start with, not lead up to.

Kids, right?

I’d love to rub Arrington’s nose in this, because I hate the pompous bastard so much, but really, this just isn’t that interesting a story. It’s sad, sure, but hardly noteworthy. Someone out there is corrupt? Stop the goddamn WordPresses!

This has been Walt Mossberg; shut up.