Did Steve Jobs make first contact?

A lot of people want to try to tear down successful people; they get all the support in the goddamn world until they succeed, and then oh no, aren’t they just the devil! This has happened to people all throughout history, and even though Bill Gates and Michael Arrrrrington completely deserve all of the scorn they get, me and my dear friend Steve Jobs absolutely do not.

Why do I bring this up now? Because there’s a rumor going around that Steve might have had even less to do with the development of Apple’s amazing array of consumer products than he really did. Some crazy rumors are being spread, chiefly by some weird hermit in Alaska, that Apple’s real secret to success comes from another planet.

That’s right, crapbags, people are claiming that Steve Jobs has an alien hidden in the basement over at 1 Infinite Loop. They’re saying the grey-headed bastard’s been stuck under Steve’s control for the past ten years, after crash-landing into the side of the golden gate bridge, and that Steve’s making him work for his freedom by giving away his highly advanced technologies.

Supposedly all of those long years spent on R&D were actually the time it took for the alien to retrofit his gear to work with our power systems. Can you believe these wingnuts? As though saintly sexy Steve would need help from invaders from beyond the moon to bring you the iPhone, or the iMac, or the upcoming Tablet! As if!

These deranged, conspiratorial lunatics have a bunch of “evidence” to back up their theories:

• Apple’s Address – 1 Infinite Loop? How could a road be infinite without alien intervention?
• Steve’s return to health – Did he go to another state for a liver transplant, or did the alien fix him?
• The iPhone – No human could build such advanced technology!
• Steve’s Reality Distortion Field – It’s not just a joke; it’s an actual reality distortion field, used by Emperor Gleb’thos to rig the Kreltar elections in 23-‘124.

There are a lot of other claims I’ve seen online, but the most recent one they’re touting as their smoking gun is a photo used in a patent application a while ago, related to the upcoming tablet:

To quote Lee H., deranged Alaskan lunatic:

“Do those look like human hands to you, Mosspuppet? No no no no no! They’re clearly alien. Open your eyes, before it’s too late, you old fogey!”

While I know absolutely that there’s no reason to think Steve’s been influenced or helped by aliens at all, and that these insane ramblings are intended solely to tear down a great man, I have to wonder, would it actually be a bad thing if an advanced alien civilization came all this way just to give us cool technological gadgets?

Shut up.