Stop Comparing iPad sales to iPhone Sales

As is being widely reported just about everywhere, the magically revolutionarily orgasm-inducing iPad has sold 2 million units in the first 60 days. This is a goddamn impressed number, to be sure, but what’s really chapping my ass is how people keep comparing the sales of the iPad to other earlier devices:

For comparison purposes, it took over two years for Apple to sell its first two million iPods, while the original iPhone took on the order of four months to reach the two million milestone.

First: The iPad is brand new and unlike anything that’s ever come before, so how can you compare it?

Second: Of course the iPad is selling more faster than the iPhone or the iPod! The market itself is bigger, the app ecosystem is already built up, and people already love using the iPhone OS. Jesus, all of you idiots blogging about the different speed is like Gruber prattling on about how the iPad is a success because it’s already sold more than the failed Newton: it’s a useless point to draw, and really, all it does is show how little you know about goddamn anything (I’m looking at you, Gruber).

People ceaselessly pointing out how much faster the iPad is selling than the iPhone did is like someone saying that we as a species drink more water than we did 100 years ago: if we weren’t, we’d all be dead from dehydration because of how many more of us there are to drink the water.

Shut up.

VIDEO: Steve Ballmer is Trying to Destroy Microsoft!

New video today!

I swear to Jebus, a new video is coming out today.

Anyone still doubting that the Mac OS is dead?

Engadget reports that the next Apple TV will run the iPhone OS. Why do any of you bastards doubt me?

Happy International iPad Day!

The Wired iPad app is a beautiful PDF.

Am I the only one who doesn’t get what the big deal is with this? It’s a PDF; so? Whoopdedoo!

Listen to me, you catch-phrase humping assholes: this may be a well-done app, but this isn’t anything new. Okay? The PDF spec supports all of these features and has for a while, and also there’s a little thing some of you empty suits-or-trendy-old-style-Converse-shoes bastards might have heard about called HTML.

The Wired app is very pretty, but it could only be considered innovation if you took it in a time machine and dropped it off in 1989.

Shut up.

Steve Ballmer is trying to destroy Steve Jobs!

How else could you explain the rumors that that bald bastard Steve Ballmer might be sharing the stage with my close, personal friend Steve Jobs at the upcoming WWDC?

According to Trip Chowdhry, an analyst with tiny Global Equities Research, 7 minutes of Steve Jobs’ keynote is allotted for Microsoft. Microsoft will reportedly be talking about their development tool Visual Studio 2010. The new version of Visual Studio will reportedly allow developers to write native applications for the iPhone, iPad and Mac OS.

Unless Ballmer’s going to confess that he’s actually been an Apple employee for years, and is reporting in on the progress of his attempt to destroy the competition from the inside — great job, baldy! — then this makes no sense.

How Steve Jobs Beat Cancer

My close, personal friend Steve Jobs reveals for the first time exactly how he survived his most recent bout of cancer:

You see? Revolutionizing industries by accident.

(From jobso.tv)

Somehow, Calacanis’ ego gets even bigger.

According to TechCrunch, Jason Calacanis will be livestreaming himself deleting his Facebook account. What colour is the crack-monkey-filled sky in his world? How many of the bastard’s fluffers get paid to also tell him that people will care that he’s deleting his goddamn Facebook account?

If Calacanis’ self-importance gets any bigger, his ego will transcend his body and float into the sun. Come to think of it, that would be a good thing, because then I wouldn’t have to hear his insane ramblings anymore.

Get Mosspuppet on your voicemail!

Friends,

Are you tired of having a lame voicemail recording that doesn’t include me, Walt Sasafrass Mossberg? Are you tired of having that extra $10-$50 in your wallet that you don’t know what to do with? Well, good news! Now you can get a recording of me, the above-named Mossberg, welcoming your friends to the sweet electronic embrace of your voicemail account.

How much does this fantastic service cost? Conveniently, just $10-$50 US!

Details, jerks!

• $10 gets you a generic voicemail message!
• $15 gets you a generic voicemail message with your name in place of “the jerk you’re trying to reach!”
• $50 gets you a personalized voicemail message!

“But Walt,” you’re asking yourself, “How do I get your voice on my machine?”

Well, crapcakes, it’s easy: send me an e-mail at mosspuppet@gmail.com! Then I’ll give you an address to send me money via Paypal, and when I get said money, I’ll record your voicemail, and record it in a high-quality electronicized format!

If you think this process could be any easier, then shut up.

Buy today!