I’ve moved!

Hey all, I’m in the middle of a triumphant comeback, so if you want to read more of my amazing wisdom, head on over to http://www.mosspuppet.tv/

Nothing new will get posted here in the future.

Shut up.

I’m pretty sure Leo Laporte is actually Newt Gingrich.

MG Siegler Reposts Entire Content of Apple’s Education Event, Calls it “Key Details.”

http://techcrunch.com/2012/01/19/apple-textbook-event/

Siegler’s latest TechCrunch post, ostensibly a recap of the “subtle key details” bears a striking resemblance to the entirety of Engadget’s liveblog of the event.

Hey, MG: Summarizing’s that thing where you make content shorter.

16,673 Facebook users die every day.

According to the CIA World Factbook, the global death rate, annually, is 8.18 per 1,000, or 0.00818% of the population. That means that if Facebook has 750 million users (which is a conservative guess, I realize, as they’re probably closer to a billion at this point, but that’s the last public number they gave), and 0.00818% of them die every year, that 6,090,000 Facebook users die every year, which means that 16,673 die every day, and 11 Facebook users die every minute.

Aside from being a depressing number overall, it makes their continued increase in size slightly more remarkable; they’re not just able to go from, say, 500 to 750 million, they’re able to do that while also recovering all of the users who’ve died in the past year.

Did I have a point with this? Crap no! I thought this was a fun, depressing fact to share.

The 99% should occupy my wrinkled butt.

I’m late to complain about this whole “Occupy Wall Street” nonsense, but shut up, I’ve been busy. And I’ve got better things to do, most days, than to tear down ineffectual idiot hippies.

But my GOD, they make it hard to ignore them.

This past weekend in Toronto, thousands of chuckleheads gathered in a park in the general area of Toronto’s financial district, to protest economic inequality fostered by the banks.

Yes, these “peace is the best way” dumbniks think that the best way to foster radical, large-scale change is to stand politely in a park not where the people they want to change will see, on a Saturday, when the goddamn banks are closed.

Crap like this makes me wonder if this Occupy nonsense is some kind of astroturfing campaign put on by the banks to shut people up, like those “anti-tobacco” companies started by cigarette companies. Seriously, if you were to try to hold the least effective protest possible, this it what you’d do.

“Let’s show the banking industry that we’re not going to take their greed anymore by getting right in their face!”

“Awesome! You want to go down to their offices right now, and lock ourselves to the doors?”

“No, that’s crazy.”

“Want to boycot their services, and deprive them of their operating capital, thereby causing them some actual discomfort?”

“What? Fuck no. We’re going to sit in a park 500 meters from their offices.”

“…Okay.”

“And we’re going to do it when they’re closed, and probably not even in the right city! They won’t know what fucking hit them!”

To be clear, I’m not for people being mistreated. I’m quite the opposite of that. But all you Occupy idiots are just so crapdamn incompetent, it’s dropping my IQ. If you were asked to find your way out of a paper bag, you’d decide to sit and wait for it to completely degrade because that would be easiest and most efficient, even though it would take you months and none of you bothered to notice that the paper bag is completely open, and you could walk out.

If you want to effect change in an entrenched system, you don’t just sit quietly in a corner waiting for the other person to change. That’s abuse-victim talk, and while you do view yourself as victims of a heartless system, how many abusers have decided to completely change themselves just because his/her victim sat quietly, taking it with tear-soaked cheeks? No, if you want to change the system, you have to make the current mode of operation uncomfortable. You do this by depriving them of the profits they thrive on, or by showing them that the better way can offer them more profits. While the music industry still occasionally acts like dickwads regarding piracy, once they finally, eventually realized they could make a bunch of money selling music digitally, they changed their practices and now you can’t swing my unimpressive dick around without hitting a music download/sale/streaming service.

If you want the banks to notice you, and to change, don’t just tell them they’re making more money than you. They know that, you goddamn reprobates, they’re the bank; they know how much money you have, and they know how much money they have. I’d say that the only thing I hate more than a hippie is a misinformed, incompetent hippie, but that describes the entire goddamn group. For example:

This dufus is wasting thousands of dollars and years of her life on training she already knows is useless, and that’s somehow the bank’s fault? How about blaming her parents for raising such an r-tard?

This whole “We are the 99%” business is crapping idiotic. This is from the we are the 99% tumblr account:

We are getting nothing while the other 1 percent is getting everything. We are the 99 percent.

The dufus above also claims that only the top 1% can afford to pay for their higher education. Never mind that her premise is flawed — is the world only fair if every single family has an extra $60,000 just lying around? — she will be able to pay for her own education, but poor muffin, she’ll be the one to foot the bill, not her parents. What a goddamn tragedy, having to earn your way through the world while other people can ride on the success of previous generation. I want to be Paris Hilton!

This 99% business is factually inaccurate. 99% of the people are poor, and 1% aren’t? Jesus H Christ, you hippie shits, you’ll have more credibility if you have facts, and not just a happy slogan, to throw at people. This is an income distribution chart for the US, via Wikipedia:

If you look closely, you’ll notice that only about, oh, 45% of the population of the US is at or above $50K a year. The median salary for the US, according to recent census data, is $50,233. Now, sure, that sucks when you don’t have health care provided for free (suck on that, Yanks!) but that isn’t exactly poor. And a full 26.75% of the population makes 75K a year!

But what about the top 1%? I saw different figures for that, but it seems safe to say that it’s at least 300K a year, possibly 400K.

Are these hippie shits seriously saying that any amount of money below 300K is unliveably low? More than that, they’re literally saying they think that earning $299,999 a year is nothing. Are you goddamn shitting me? Look, you commune-eating bastards, if money is so important to you, why did you make yourself a hippie instead of, say, someone with a goddamn brain?

Shut up.

About Steve Jobs [Video]

 

Google Correlates a Giant Penis

A friend sent me a link to a cool new Search by Drawing tool in Google Correlate, which lets you draw a distribution curve for something happening over time, and will then find search results that match that curve.

Being a totally straight white male, the first thing I did with this tool was draw a cock and balls. Lo and behold, it worked! The blue in this picture is my drawing, the red jagged line is Michael Arrington’s angry penis the distribution curve it returned:

Pretty cool, right? Nothing remarkable, right? Wrong, you bastards! Wrong! One of the first search results Google says matches this distribution curve is for “bj sandwich.”

I’ll give you a moment to look at that link.

The first result Google returns for “bj sandwich” is for bjsandwich.com, the title of which is “BJ Sandwich – Two Girls Sandwich Cock Between Their Lips.” Says the site:

Come on in for a stunning blow job sandwich where these two hot girls sandwich a guys dick between their luscious lips.

Just to reiterate: the searches for blowjob sandwiches over time looks like a cock and balls, or, more generously, the two very girls engaged in a blowjob, and the very cock involved in it!

I may be sitting in my office alone, but I tell, you, man, my mind is being blown right now.

 

It’s like watching two tech reporters having a conversation.

 

Don’t tell me how many nipples I need, Gizmodo!

Maybe I want three, you bastards! Did you ever think about that?

#withoutstevejobs

I just noticed #withoutstevejobs on Twitter. People are paying tribute to the impact Steve’s had on the world, which is obviously really nice, but, really, some of these people are attributing more to him than he’s done. I didn’t link to their names, because these people annoy me:

My computer would be just another beige box

Possible, but it’s not like Steve’s the only human being in the world that wants things that look nice.

we’d all be too familiar with CLT + ALT + DEL.

We still are, anyway. That’s just nonsensical.

I would still be using my Motorola Razr

Really? You’d be using a five-year old phone?

we wouldn’t be able to buy music online.

Apple didn’t invent the idea of buying music online. Christ. They did a good enough job with it that it became quite popularized, but they didn’t create it whole cloth.

I would have to jog with a discman.

Apple did not invent the MP3 player. Jebus.

the world wouldn’t be as connected as its today.

ararrggghhgh Apple did not invent the internet, mobile computing, nor smartphones.

I would be lost. Literally. Thank god for navigation apps!

Portable GPS devices have been around for years. People bought them before Apple made the iPhone!

I would not have my entire CD collection on my hip when I run.

Oh my Christ, you people have no sense of history. JEBUS.

Macbooks would have started out being pink instead of white…and I would have cried.

This one’s just — really? Without Steve Jobs, the co-founder of Apple, the Macbooks that would never have been invented because Apple wouldn’t have existed, would have been pink? Sweet LORD, lady, do you miss the bed at night?

UPDATE: Remember when I said I wasn’t going to name names? I just saw a Tweet that makes me a liar. It’s by @kristofcreative, whose bio says: “President of Kristof Creative. We create intelligent ideas and profitable marketing strategies for our clients.” His Tweet was:

There’d be no Mouse #Withoutsteve

Are you shitting me? You claim to offer intelligent ideas and you think that without Apple, there’d be no Mouse? Do you think that they invented the mouse? Are you goddamn shitting me? Doesn’t anybody have a sense of history? Jesus sweet Hell, Apple didn’t invent the mouse; it was created at Stanford in 1963 by Douglas Engelbart, and the trackball was invented by the Canadian military in 1952. The work that Engelbart did was extraordinary; you can find videos of demos he did online at Youtube, where he demos a mouse with multiple buttons, and has it navigating a text document in ways that the web still hasn’t reached.

Shut up.